eXpress Yourself newZletter Vol 2000 No. 2CONTENTS OF THIS ISSUE:
Site Update: Pre-Holiday Book Offer
The Awakening
Usenet Blah, Blah, Blah
I Hear, Therefore I Listen
The Perfect Gift
Tickle Me Bones
Hello!
For some of you, it’s been a long time since your last issue of the eXpress Yourself newZletter. You will notice some things have changed ... beginning with this newsletter. Don’t worry ... you will still find stimulating, thought-provoking content. But this issue of your newsletter is being sent to you via e-mail.
Some of you wrote expressing a preference for receiving your XYZ newsletter via e-mail. I thought, Why not? E-mailing is much easier, faster and more direct than doing the HTML coding needed to place the newsletter on a page in the Hole in the Garden Wall web site. Also, subscribers who have only e-mail service but no access to a computer can now enjoy the XYZ newsletter right at their e-mail terminals.
So, we’re going to give e-mailing a try. Tell me what you think.
Remember, as a subscriber to the eXpress Yourself newZletter, you can now play an active part in encouraging the exchange of ideas and feelings about how all of us can reclaim our authentic voices of self-expression Your voice now becomes an important part of the new critical consciousness that I sincerely believe is destined to heal our badly bruised planet.
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SITE UPDATE: PRE-HOLIDAY BOOK OFFER!
Before I get into the meat and potatoes of this issue, allow me to play salesperson for a moment ... and bring you up to date on an exciting developments from the Hole in the Garden Wall web site.
As an XYZ newsletter subscriber, you can take advantage of a sensational pre-holiday offer on limited edition Hole in the Garden Wall books:
--- Buy 2 books and receive 20% off the full list price of $39.00.
That means each book is just $31.20 each.--- Buy 3 books and get each at 25% off the full retail price.
That’s just $29.25 for each book.--- Buy 4 books and get each at 30% off the full retail price.
That’s just $27.30 each.THIS SPECIAL OFFER IS FOR XYZ SUBSCRIBERS ONLY ... AND ONLY ON CREDIT CARD ORDERS PLACED OVER THE PHONE.
All you have to do to take advantage of this special offer is to mention this code when you call in your book order ... HW8888.
That’s it!
Just call in your credit card book order at (828)-288-0730, mention the code --- HW8888 --- and the savings are yours ---immediately. No fuss. No hassle. And isn’t no hassle precisely what you deserve? A customer service representative will be happy to take your order between the hours of 9:00 am and 6:00 PM Monday - Friday, Eastern time. Don’t forget, you can also have your books personally autographed by the author. Just mention what names you want included in the autograph when you call in your order.
Why not go to Hole in the Garden Wall’s book page right now:
http://www.withinwithout.com/about.htmlRemember ... this pre-holiday offer on Hole in the Garden Wall books WILL EXPIRE AT MIDNIGHT ON NOVEMBER 30, 2000.
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THE AWAKENING
I was sent this very illuminating piece by one of our readers. I am sharing it with everyone because it beautifully describes that moment of pure epiphany when you decide to step off the beaten path and, as Joseph Campbell wrote, enter the dark forest of your own original experiences.
It’s titled, “The Awakening.” I treasure it because it so perfectly mirrors what Hole in the Garden Wall is all about. And because it so perfectly expresses what the inward journey is --- part spiritual, part physical, part emotional, part mental, and entirely human.
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The AwakeningA time comes in your life when you finally get it ... when in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out --ENOUGH! Enough fighting, crying, or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, you blink back your tears and look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening.
You realize it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact he is not Prince Charming or she is not Cinderella, and in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter.) You slowly realize any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you. In this process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact you are not perfect and not everyone will always love, appreciate, or approve of who or what you are ... and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. You learn the importance of loving and championing your Self. In this process, a sense of newfound confidence is born of Self approval.
You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to you, or didn’t do for you, and you learn the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and not everyone will always be there for you. And that it’s not always about you. So you learn to stand on your own and take care of your Self. In this process, a sense of safety and security is born of Self reliance.
You stop judging and pointing fingers. You begin to accept people as they are, overlooking their shortcomings and human frailties. In this process, a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.
You realize much of the way you view yourself and the world around you is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. So you begin to sift through all the crap you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, how and where you should live, what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing. You begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or never should have embraced to begin with. In this process, you learn to go with your instincts. You learn it is truly in giving that we receive.
You learn there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world, and you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn the only cross you bear is the one you choose to carry and you learn that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable, or more important because of the person holding your hand or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are, not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.
You learn that love grows and changes just as people grow and change. You learn you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms just to make you happy. And you learn alone does not mean lonely. You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact you are not a perfect 10. So you stop competing with the image inside your head or agonizing over how you measure up to others.
You stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK. It is your right to want things and to ask for the things you want. And you learn it is sometimes necessary to make demands. You come to realize you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won’t settle for less. So you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his or her touch. In this process, you internalize the meaning of Self respect.
You learn your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You eat a balanced diet, drink more water and take more time to exercise. You learn fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. You learn just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels the soul. So you take more time to laugh and play.
You learn that in life, for the most part, you get what you believe you deserve. Much of life really is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn anything worth achieving is worth working for and wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More than that, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn no one can do it all alone. It’s OK to risk asking for help.
You learn the only thing you must truly fear is FEAR itself. So you learn to step right into and through your fears because whatever happens you can handle. To give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. You learn to fight for your life and not squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve, and sometimes bad things happen to good people. On such occasions, you learn not to personalize things. God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It’s just life happening.
You learn that emotions such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the Universe that holds you in its arms. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things millions of people on Earth can only dream about ... like a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for your Self by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray your Self and to never EVER settle for less than you heart’s desire.
You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
Finally, with courage in your heart and God by your side, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to live the life you were born to live.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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USENET BLAH, BLAH, BLAH
As you know, the eXpress Yourself newZletter exists to empower people to transform their society through a renewed sense of authentic self expression that comes from marrying reflective thought to constructive action. The result of this marriage is critical consciousness. And the core of this critical consciousness is genuine dialogue between and among human beings.
It’s a scary proposition, this genuine dialogue stuff. And the World Wide Web has not brought us any closer to that goal. To the contrary, the Internet provides a benevolent, innocuous shield for many people to deliver words through a monitor they most likely would never speak directly to someone’s face. The Internet provides a bully pulpit for any opinion, cause, grievance, scam, or spam. Regrettably, bully pulpits preside more often than displays of critical consciousness. For self-appointed cyberevangelists, the object is not to dialogue, but to preach ... not to connect, but to judge and segregate.
Here’s one case in point. I announced the XYZ newsletter to a legitimate newsgroup many months ago. This is what I posted:
There's a new free ezine out ... and it’s not for the faint-hearted.
It’s for people ready to stop living with dust on their hearts ...
stop manipulative relationships built upon competition and greed ...
stop living according to other people’s beliefs and expectations ...
stop bartering their own truths for false promises of security ...
stop living a lifestyle instead of a life.This is a newsletter for courageous people with enough integrity and guts to learn how to recover, reclaim and express their silenced voice of authentic self expression ... then express that voice in genuine dialogue with another human being --- heart to heart, body and soul.
XYZ is a newsletter for people who want to live full passionate lives. And the first step toward that goal is learning how to reclaim your birthright of authentic self expression. Learn what genuine communication is all about. Learn how to respect and trust the fire in your belly. Learn how to find the hole in your garden wall that sets you free.
YOU CAN RECLAIM YOUR SILENCED VOICE of genuine self expression. Why bother making the effort? Because there is only one of you in all time. Your expression is unique. If you block it, the world will never hear it. And our badly bruised world cannot endure so great a loss.
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My posting solicited this response from one newsgroup groupie:
“My goodness, the arrogance. The very concept that everyone has something worth saying simply because they accidentally exist in this time stream is frighteningly banal at best and annoyingly manipulative at worst. I’m gonna go outside and curse at some strangers, to vent.”
It was signed, “Asshole.” It seemed an appropriate signature, one I found attached to more than a dozen similar postings throughout this supposedly professional newsgroup.
Here was my response to the above post:
“AHA! You just proved my point. Even an asshole, as you call yourself, has the right to express an opinion. Whether that opinion has any lasting value in helping us to better understand one another is quite a different matter. Alas, like pearls before swine, I never expected the mission of the eXpress Yourself newZletter to be embraced by everyone. Nevertheless, three cheers for the pigs and chickens!”
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Did we dialogue? Did we communicate? No. We just slung words back and forth. Clever banter perhaps, but certainly no mutual understanding. How can you touch another person, know another person, when all you have are printed words on a screen? How can you really feel what others feel without looking into their eyes, without sharing the same space?
If dialogue is the purest form of self expression and the surest way to build substantial bridges across the chasms created by human ignorance, then surely dialogue must begin when two people look across the wasteland of their differences and see unspoken possibilities in each other’s eyes.
As I said, genuine dialogue is scary business. It means connection. It means disclosure. It means learning how to be patient and listen to another person without interruption or distraction. It means laying down the public masks we wear to camouflage our ignorance and fear . Those are the fundamental elements of genuine communication. In all my years of living and learning about human relationships, I have never found a more concise definition for real communication that this:
COMMUNICATION HAPPENS ONLY WHEN MEANING IS EXCHANGED SO UNDERSTANDING RESULTS.
Better than 90 percent of the daily chatter we like to call communication is anything but. Call it noise. Or call it a collection of duologues. Or call it ego speak. But DON’T CALL IT REAL COMMUNICATION. And don’t call it a dialogue with another human being. Because rarely do we ever verify that each message we deliver was received by the listener as we intended it to be received and mutual understanding resulted.
I KNOW YOU BELIEVE YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT
YOU THINK I SAID ... BUT I’M NOT SURE YOU REALIZE
THAT WHAT YOU HEARD IS NOT WHAT I MEANT.Now you know why I believe communicating with the living is only slightly more difficult than communicating with the dead!
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I HEAR, THEREFORE I LISTEN
With all due respect to Descartes, when the subject is genuine dialogue, hearing and listening are not the same thing. Hearing is a physiological function. If you have ears, you hear. But listening is a learned skill. Listening is an interactive process of receiving, retaining, processing and evaluating verbal and nonverbal input. Listening requires more than your ears. It’s bloody difficult to listen well, which might explain why few people ever master this skill.
Why are listening skills so difficult to learn? Because there are so many variables that influence the way we respond to each message we receive.
CONSIDER THIS: Even a simple message can contain so many verbal and nonverbal elements that it is nearly impossible for a receiver to respond to them all. That means our ability to perceive becomes instinctively selective. Selective perception, however, is part of the false communication “noise” I mentioned earlier. We think we are communicating, but in reality we are satisfying our own needs first --- responding at any given moment based on our own wants, desires, expectations, opinions, fears, attitudes and beliefs.
Here are just a few of the specific ways we distort message reception. All of them create much misunderstanding and misinterpretation of messages sent and received:
SHARPENING ... we retain only one or two parts of the message, then emphasize, embellish, amplify, or highlight the parts we have selected -- completely disregarding the rest of the message.
LEVELING ... we reduce the entire message to a simpler form that we can more easily relay to another person. It now becomes the responsibility of the other person to fill in the missing parts.
ASSIMILATION ... we reconstruct messages so they reflect our own attitudes, prejudices, needs and values. We take a message and color it with our own beliefs. One of the greatest obstacles to effective communication is that we prefer to see the world as we see ourselves.
EGO SPEAK ... so preoccupied with ourselves, our image, the sound of our own voice, we begin to construct our response before the speaker has concluded sending his/her message. How we will look and sound when we respond to a message are more important than the accuracy of the message we communicate.
If you want to experience an eye-opening example of all the above obstacles at work, gather a group of people into one circle. The more the merrier. You might try one circle with your family members, another with your neighbors, co-workers, or friends. You’ve probably played this “game” before. Now you will play it with a new awareness.
Whisper the message included below into one person’s ear. Be sure no one else in the circle can hear you. Then let the person who received your message whisper it to the person next to him/her in the circle. As the sender, you deliver your message just once. There must be no talking or questions asked between each sender and receiver. Continue around the circle until the message is delivered to the last person in the group. Have that person recite the message he/she received aloud to the group and compare it to the message you sent at the beginning of the chain!
Here’s the message:
I just witnessed an accident at the corner of Broadway and Parklane. A brown UPS delivery truck, heading south, was turning right at the intersection when a black Mustang convertible, heading north, attempted to turn left. When they saw they were turning into the same lane, they honked their horns but didn’t slow down. In fact, the sports car seemed to be accelerating right before the crash.
Improving our ability to listen to one another is a huge subject I will come back to again and again in future XYZ newsletters. But for now, be acutely aware in the weeks ahead of how often you stumble over any or all of the above obstacles to effective listening. After all, awareness is the first constructive step toward transforming old habits into interactive listening skills.
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THE PERFECT GIFT
Look over your holiday shopping list. Is there someone you would like to honor in an unforgettable way? Perhaps that person is a mother who has “dedicated her life to those too gentle to live among wolves.” Or perhaps a teacher who would intimately understand “the trick to formal education is to not let it interfere with learning.” Or maybe a lover who needs to be reminded “how a little sex can change your point of view!”
Now it is easy to find the perfect gift for those people who are very special in your life with pre-holiday special discounts on Hole in the Garden Wall books... available only to XYZ newsletter subscribers:
--- Buy 2 books and receive 20% off the full list price of $39.00.
That means each book is just $31.20 each.--- Buy 3 books and get each at 25% off the full retail price.
Thatís just $29.25 for each book.--- Buy 4 books and get each at 30% off the full retail price.
Thatís just $27.30 each.Hole in the Garden Wall is an award-winning book that has inspired thousands of seekers with its original poetry and award-winning photographs. You can choose to have each book you purchase personally autographed by the author. Just provide the name or names you want autographed when you order your books and it shall be done.
All you have to do to take advantage of this special book offer is mention this code --- HW8888 --- when you call in your credit card book order.
Thatís it!
Use a Visa, MasterCard, or American Express credit card and call in your book order at (828) 288-0730, mention the code --- HW8888 --- and the savings are yours ---immediately. One of our friendly customer service representatives will help you place your order between the hours of 9:00 am and 6:00 PM Monday - Friday, Eastern time.
Why not go to Hole in the Garden Wall’s book page right now:
http://www.withinwithout.com/about.htmlJUST REMEMBER TWO THINGS ....
1. This book offer is only for PHONE CREDIT CARD ORDERS from eXpress Yourself newZletter subscribers... and
2. This pre-holiday book offer expires at midnight November 30th.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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TICKLE ME BONES
Remember the obstacles to effective listening --- sharpening, leveling and assimilating? Here’s a classic example of how they can transform an order into an apology.
A Colonel issued the following directive to his executive officers:
“Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours, Haley’s Comet will be visible in this area, an event which occurs only once every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it.”
Executive Officer to Company Commander:
“By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Haley’s Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years.”
Company Commander to Lieutenant:
“By order of the Colonel in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening, the phenomenal Haley’s Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs every 75 years.”
Lieutenant to the Sergeant:
“Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Haley’s Comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area.”
Sergeant to Squad:
“When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Haley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his Comet through the battalion area in fatigues.”
This alleged true story was discovered when the Colonel arrived on a clear starry evening at the battalion area at 2000 hours to find the Sergeant standing there alone. The Sergeant approached the Colonel, saluted smartly and was asked by the Colonel where all the men were. The Sergeant said he didn’t know but was sorry it hadn’t rained.
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I wish all our readers love, joy and full expression. Thanks for sharing my inward journey.
Prudence Kohl
Author & Photographer, Hole in the Garden WallKohlQuest Associates
3271 Polk County Line Road
Rutherfordton, NC 28139PLEASE NOTE: KohlQuest does not rent or sell lists of e-mail addresses. We honor and respect the privacy of each and every one of our subscribers.
The eXpress Yourself newZletter is copyrighted © 2000 by KohlQuest. All rights reserved. This document may not be copied in part or full without express written permission from the publisher. All violations will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
To subscribe to our eXpress Yourself newZletter, go to: http://www.withinwithout.com/newsletter.html
Or send an e-mail to: <imagineer@blueridge.net> with “Subscribe” as the Subject.