eXpress Yourself newZletter Vol 2001 No. 1CONTENTS OF THIS ISSUE:
A Rose By Any Other Name Is Courage
--- You are never too old to dust!
Hark! I Hear A Pistol Shot!
--- First steps to becoming effective listeners
Oh John. Oh Marsha.
--- A study in crossed communication
The Oreo Test
--- Discover what a cookie can tell you about yourself
Final Thoughts
--- An unforgettable lesson about angry words
Hello!
To all readers who have just joined us, welcome aboard! We are delighted you have chosen to become an eXpress Yourself newZletter subscriber. Like all our subscribers, you can now play an active part in encouraging the exchange of ideas and feelings about how all of us can reclaim our authentic voices of self-expression ... and add to the new critical consciousness I sincerely believe is destined to heal our badly bruised planet.
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A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME IS COURAGE
I have received several heartfelt responses from a few discouraged readers, each expressing a similar theme I shall paraphrase here:
“It’s a lovely thought you propose -- recovering our silenced voices of self expression -- but I am too old to begin this now. I’ve lived too long with dust on my heart. To allow myself the privilege to express what I truly feel would be so foreign to me I cannot imagine taking such risks ... or making such changes. I am too old change direction.”
In response to the above, I give you Rose, a “most memorable person” story shared by Darrel Richardson:
_____________The first day of school, our professor introduced himself and
challenged us to get to know someone we didn’t already know. I
stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder. I turned and faced a wrinkled little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being.“Hi, handsome,” she said. “My name is Rose. I’m eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?”
I laughed and enthusiastically responded, “Of course you may!” She gave me a big squeeze. I then asked, “Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?”
She humorously replied, “I’m here to meet a rich husband, get
married, have a couple of children, then retire and travel.”“No, seriously,” I asked. I was curious what motivated her to take on this challenge at her age.
She replied, “I always dreamed of having a college education and now I’m getting one.”
After class, we walked to the Student Union and shared a chocolate milkshake. We became instant friends. Every day for the next three months we would leave class together and talk nonstop. I was mesmerized listening to this “time machine” share her wisdom and experience with me. Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon, easily making friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and reveled in the attention bestowed upon her by other students. She was living it up.
At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet. I’ll never forget that night. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her note cards on the floor. Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, “I’m sorry I’m so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I’ll never get my speech back in order, so let me just tell you what I know.”
As our laughter quieted down, she cleared her throat and began.
“We do not stop playing because we are old. We grow old because we stop playing. There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy and achieving success. You have to laugh and find humor every day. You’ve got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams you die. We have so many people walking around who are dead and don’t even know it. There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up. If you are 19 years old and lie in bed for one full year not doing one productive thing, you will turn 20 years old. It’s the law of time and the calendar. If I am 87 years old and stay in bed for one year and never do anything, I will turn 88. It’s the law of time and the calendar. Anyone can grow older. It doesnít take any talent or ability. But to grow up is to always see opportunity in change.
“Have no regrets. The elderly usually donít have regrets for what they did, but rather for the things they didn't do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets.” She concluded her speech by courageously singing these lyrics from “The Rose:”
Some say love it is a river that drowns the tender reed.
Some say love it is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love it is a hunger, an endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower, and you its only seed.It’s the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance.
It’s the dream afraid of waking that never takes a chance.
It’s the one who wonít be taken who cannot seem to give.
And the soul afraid of dyin’ that never learns to live.When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long,
And you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong,
Just remember in the winter far beneath the bitter snows,
Lies the seed that with the sun's love
in the spring becomes the rose.She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives.
At year’s end, Rose finished the college degree she started years earlier. One week after graduation she died peacefully in her sleep. Over 2,000 college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who, by her own example, taught us it is never too late to live to our fullest potential.
_________The next time you think you are too old to begin anew ... too old to find your own voice ... too old to tackle new challenges ... too old to have a powerful impact on another human being ... too old to change ... you remember Rose.
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HARK! I HEAR A PISTOL SHOT!
How are you doing in becoming more aware of the obstacles to genuine listening. I’ve said it before and it bears repeating:
LISTENING IS NOT A PASSIVE ACTIVITY.
LISTENING IS NOT AUTOMATIC.It takes great energy and effort to become a focused, active listener. Active listening is a skill, one that takes just as much practice to master as any other skill. Difficult as this skill is to learn, without effective listening there can be no critical consciousness grounded in genuine dialogue. We can never hope to rise above the prejudice of closed minds and honor the integrity and dignity of each human being.
Let me put this another way. Without listening there is no true dialogue. Without dialogue there is no real communication. Without communication, there can be no constructive change.
I am going to explore this listening subject many times and this is why:
In my humble opinion, there is nothing ... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ... more critical to building stronger, more dynamic, more compassionate relationships between and among people than improving our ability to effectively listen. Unfortunately, it is the one communication skill few people want to learn. One reason is because most people donít have the kind of inner strength, grounded in a secure sense of worth, that allows their ideas to be challenged by anyone or anything. Most people’s cherished perceptions reside in the dungeons of their minds. Their realities are absolute and fashioned in concrete.
Let’s pretend you are a person “set in your ways.” And let’s pretend that someone has just said something to you that has penetrated your public “mask.” The words strike a dormant but painful trigger somewhere deep inside your soul. More often than not, this would be your knee-jerk response .....
IMMEDIATE DEFENSIVENESS.!!!!!!!
You suddenly feel exposed, vulnerable, even violated. Someone has penetrated the barricades that define the inner sanctum of your guarded feelings. The walls have been breached. Alarms go off. Oogah! Oogah! Oogah! “Man the battle stations! Raise the drawbridge! Plug the hole! Defend yourself. Protect your ego.” You dedicate all your attention and energy on rallying against the trespasser who inadvertently stumbled into forbidden turf. Your intellect snaps to attention preparing a counterattack to prevent further pain. Ego speak takes over. Active listening retreats to the rear. Genuine dialogue never has a fighting chance.
If the above scenario leaves you feeling a bit prickly, good. You are alive and well and 100 per cent human. Remember, this scenario is not shared as criticism. It is fact -- based on dozens of years observing and documenting human behavior. Even those who know better, like me, can slip into defensiveness. Call it a bad hair day! We are all human and we all have days when we are more vulnerable to perceived “attacks” from others. The point is this: any time we knowingly communicate from a position of interior defensiveness, there is no room for effective, empathic listening.
Well, how do we learn to become effective listeners?
Here are five time-tested guidelines to begin with:1. Avoid the three obstacles discussed in the last newsletter:
---- sharpening: distorting a message by highlighting and remembering only those parts you feel are important;
---- assimilation: reconstructing a message to reflect your own attitudes, prejudices and beliefs;
---- ego speak: being so preoccupied with yourself, you dedicate more energy to what your response will be than paying attention to the message being delivered.2. Avoid playing judge and jury. Don’t evaluate, analyze, or judge what’s being said until you fully grasp and understand the whole message. Remember, a message carries both content (in its words) and intent (in the feelings behind the words.) Content is obvious -- it is received and interpreted through our five senses. But intent carries powerful, often subtle emotional freight. Intent is received and interpreted through feelings. If you are incapable of expressing your own feelings, how can you receive and understand anyone else’s? How can you be empathic to another when you have shut off, shut out, or shut down your own emotional sensitivity?
3. Recognize your own biases and expectations. In spite of our best intentions, we all have them. Be careful not to force any message through the filter of your own perceptions and predispositions. When it comes to effective listening, there is no room at the inn for sacred cows!
4. Be sensitive to both the verbal and nonverbal qualities within any message.... not only what words are spoken, but the powerful implications delivered by the speaker’s body language. If you think you are getting mixed messages, ask for clarification. Clearly, a husband knows he is receiving a mixed message when he approaches his scowling wife, asks what’s wrong and receives this answer --- “Oh, nothing.”
5. Above all, demonstrate equality rather than superiority. For real communication to work, each partner must be treated as an equal. (That’s a pretty good cardinal rule for any relationship!) When the object is genuine dialogue, the integrity and dignity of each person is honored and respected, even if the message you are listening to differs radically from your personal beliefs or viewpoints. Only when you have respect for the other person as an equal can your mind be truly open to new ideas and fresh perspectives.
If all this seems overwhelming, donít be discouraged and give up. It takes time to learn new patterns. And it takes dedicated practice to become proficient in any new skill. But if you ever want to honestly touch another person with your heart and mind, express your own truth in your own creative voice, and reach beyond boundaries imposed by others, then you know how critical active listening skills can be.
On the other hand, you could choose to not improve your listening skills ... and have a relationship like John and Marsha’s.
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OH JOHN. OH MARSHA.
A man named John is attracted to a woman named Marsha. He asks her out to a movie. She accepts. They have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly. After a while neither is seeing anyone else.
Then one evening when they are driving home, a thought occurs to Marsha. Without really thinking she says it out loud. “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?” Suddenly there is silence in the car.
To Marsha, it is a very loud silence. She thinks to herself, “I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship. Maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation he doesnít want or isn’t sure of.”
And John is thinking, “Gosh. Six months.”
Marsha is thinking, “But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward ... exactly where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that kind of commitment? Do I really even know this person?”
John is thinking, “So, that means it was February when we started going out, right after I had the car at the dealers. That means ... let me check the odometer ... Whoa! I’m way overdue for an oil change.”
Marsha is thinking, “He’s upset. I can see it in his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship ... more intimacy ... more commitment. Maybe he has sensed I was having some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he is so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.”
John is thinking, “I’m going to have them look at the transmission again. I donít care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. It’s 87 degrees and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck. And to think I’ve already paid those incompetent thieves $600.”
Marsha is thinking, “He’s angry and I donít blame him. I’d be angry too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.”
John is thinking, “They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty. Scumballs.”
Marsha is thinking, “Maybe I’m too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person I enjoy being with ... a person I truly do care about ... someone who seems to truly care about me. I have put this person through so much pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasies.
John is thinking, “Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it ...”
“John,” Marsha blurts out loud.
“What?” replies John, startled.
“Please donít torture yourself like this." Marsha’s eyes are now brimming with tears. “Maybe I never should have ... Oh God, I feel so ... (Marsha breaks down sobbing.)
“What?” replies John, now more confused than ever.
“I’m such a fool,” Marsha cries. “I mean I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight and there’s no white horse.”
“There’s no horse?” says John.
“You think I’m a fool, donít you?” sobs Marsha.
“No!” asserts John relieved to finally know the right answer.
“It’s just that .... it’s that ... I need some time,” Marsha says.
There is a 15-second pause while John, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he finds one he thinks might work. “Yes,” he replies.
Marsha, deeply moved, touches his hand. “Oh John, do you really feel that way?”
“What way?” asks John.
“That way about time,” Marsha says.
“Oh,” says John. “Yes.”
Marsha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. Finally, she softly says, “Thank you, John.”
John takes Marsha home. She collapses on her bed, a confused, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.
When John gets home, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the television and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he’s never heard of. A tiny voice in the far corners of his mind tells him something major was going on earlier this evening in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what. So he figures it’s better if he doesnít think about it at all.
The next day, Marsha calls her closest friend and they talk for six hours about the situation with John the evening before. In painstaking detail, they analyze everything she said and he said ... exploring every word, expression and gesture to be sure they have captured every nuance of feeling, every possible ramification. They continue to discuss the subject, off and on, for several more weeks.
Meanwhile, John, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Marsha’s, paused just before serving ... frowned and said, “Henry, did Marsha ever own a horse?”
Thus endth this lesson on poor listening skills.
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THE OREO TEST
If you find it difficult relating to other people, perhaps it has something to do with differences in the way you and they consume Oreo cookies. According to performance improvement specialist, Dr. Scott Sink, some psychologists believe the approach an individual uses when eating an Oreo provides great insight to his or her personality. Exactly how many psychologists believe this remains a bit of a mystery!
Believe me, I’ve heard of loonier personality tests than this one. So, if you believe an Oreo cookie can shed some light into the hidden recesses of your personality, go ahead and take the Oreo Test. For that matter, let your friends and lovers take it too. It’s about time the Oreo cookie receives the respect it deserves for its humble contribution to the betterment of human relations.
To begin the Oreo Test, choose which of the following best describes your favorite method of eating an Oreo:
1. The whole thing all at once
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow, methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite
4. Little feverish nibbles
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee, etc.)
6. Twisted apart, the creamy inside first, then the cookie
7. Twisted apart, the creamy inside first, toss the cookie
8. The cookie but not the inside
9. Lick them but donít eat the cookie
10. I have no favorite way because I don't like Oreos.Your Personality :
1. The Whole Thing
This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally impulsive and irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children!2. One Bite At A Time
You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat an Oreo the same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that’s okay. You are normal so there’s no need to worry.3. Slow And Methodical
You follow the rules. You’re very tidy and orderly. You’re very meticulous in every detail with everything you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you’re only going to travel the speed limit.4. Feverish Nibbles
Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.5. Dunked In Liquid
Every one likes you because you are always upbeat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the mess you have made of your life.6. Twisted Apart, Inside First
You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work. As you are not always able to put things back together, you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong.7. Twisted Apart, Inside First, Toss Cookie
You are good at business and take risks that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. But you donít care as long as you got yours.8. Eat The Cookie, Not The Inside
You enjoy pain.9. Lick But Never Eat The Cookie
Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help immediately.10. Don’t Like Oreos
You probably come from a rich family, like to wear nice things and go to upscale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. There’s just no pleasing you.Should you disagree with these findings, send your opinions to Dr. Scott Sink, 125 Winward Dr., Moneta, VA 24121-2321 or e-mail him at dssink@vt.edu. I’m sure he would appreciate your input.
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CLOSING THOUGHTS
There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him every time he lost his temper and spoke in anger, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy drove 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his temper, the number of nails gradually dwindled day by day. He discovered it was easier to control his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.
Finally, the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day he was able to control his temper. The days passed until the boy could finally tell his father all the nails were gone.
The father took his son’s hand, walked to the fence and, pointing to the boards, said, “You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. Each time you say things in anger, a scar remains, just like the ones on this fence. Put a knife into a man and draw it out. It wonít matter how many times you say you’re sorry. The wound is still there. The scar becomes the visible reminder.”
Ponder the above story the next time you feel compelled to lash out in verbal anger. Remember, a verbal wound can be as penetrating and permanent as a physical wound, sometimes even more so because verbal wounds rarely are visible to the human eye. They reside deep within our psyches.
There is a fundamental truth about human relationships --- once something is spoken, it can never be taken back. NEVER. You can apologize. You can express your regrets. But once words have been spoken, they can never be retrieved.
If you remember this critical truth, then perhaps the next time you feel overwhelmed with anger or hurtful retaliation, you will pause first and reconsider what you were about to say ... BEFORE you say it.
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A REMINDER ...
Valentine’s Day is coming. Wednesday, February 14. A day set aside to express our love of those people who hold very special places in our hearts. Maybe this year you’ll want a valentine that is neither perishable nor consumable ... something as permanent and enduring as your love ... something you can share with a loved one for many, many years to come.
Maybe this is the year to give the one you love his or her own limited edition copy of Hole in the Garden Wall. Sixty color and black and white photographs, each married to its own inspiring verse, become an unforgettable expression of unconditional love while pointing the way to a higher level of human understanding and authentic self expression.
You can be certain Hole in the Garden Wall will speak with the same intimacy and passion you feel in your heart. Visit the Hole in the Garden Wall web site and see for yourself.
With that reminder, I come to the end of this edition of your eXpress Yourself newZletter. I wish all our readers love, joy and full expression. Thanks for sharing my inward journey.
Prudence Kohl
Author & Photographer, Hole in the Garden WallKohlQuest Associates
3271 Polk County Line Road
Rutherfordton, NC 28139PLEASE NOTE: KohlQuest does not rent or sell lists of e-mail
addresses. We honor and respect the privacy of each and every one of our subscribers.The eXpress Yourself newZletter is copyrighted © 2001 by KohlQuest. All rights reserved. This document may not be copied in part or full without express written permission from the publisher. All violations will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
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