eXpress Yourself newZletter Vol 2001 No. 2CONTENTS OF THIS ISSUE:
These Numbers Don't Lie
--- An imperative for tolerance and compassion
The Talking Stick
--- Speak and I shall listen
It's A Matter Of Choice
--- Is your glass half empty or half full?
Numb And Dumber
--- Oh what a tangled web we weave
When laws dictate the labels we need!
One Final Thought
--- Just how smart are you?
Hello!
To all readers who have just joined us, welcome aboard! We are delighted you have chosen to become an eXpress Yourself newZletter subscriber. Like all our subscribers, you can now play an active part in encouraging the exchange of ideas and feelings about how all of us can reclaim our authentic voices of self-expression ... and add to the new critical consciousness I sincerely believe is destined to heal our badly bruised planet.
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THESE NUMBERS DON’T LIE
I speak often of a new critical consciousness that can transform our individual societies through a renewed sense of true self expression that comes from the marriage of reflective thought to constructive action.
But what exactly is reflective thought?
Briefly, it means you take the time to infuse your thoughts and ideas, or the thoughts and ideas received from others, with your feelings --- BEFORE you respond or initiate any course of action. Let’s go back a moment to ancient history. The Greeks believed thinking was not only an intellectual activity, but an act of the heart as well. The head and heart were not separate entities. If the ancient Greeks were around today, they might be wearing tee shirts bearing this message:
I THINK, THEREFORE I FEEL.
Reflective thought means before you leap into action, you examine all the variables that may result from the way you feel and how you elect to express those feelings to others. I’m not referring to superficial, shoot-from-the-hip emotional reactions, but the richness of feelings that reside deep within your bone marrow.
Before you speak, before you take any physical action of any kind, ask yourself ---
How do I truly feel?
Why do I feel this way?
Do my feelings represent “the better angels of my nature?”
Do my thoughts and feelings represent my highest truth?
If what I am about to express is contrary to popular opinion, can I speak my truth and still honor and respect the dignity of those who oppose me?This is the stuff of reflective thinking --- thoughts fused with genuine feelings. First, you listen attentively and completely, absorbing both the obvious and subliminal messages of what is being said. Then you pass what you have heard through your head and heart, analyzing and feeling your way through the input.
To enrich this assimilation process, try out a new viewing point. Walk a mile in another person’s shoes. Imagine how others might feel, why they hold the opinions they do, and develop the ability to be empathic with other points of view. That doesn’t mean you have to agree with a conflicting opinion. It means you come to understand WHY someone else holds another point of view.
Maybe ... just maybe ... seeing the world through another person’s eyes will challenge us to review our cherished opinions and beliefs. Or at least enrich them with a deeper sensitivity to human experiences different from our own.
Maybe if we allow our absolute belief systems to be just a little less absolute, we can change our lives. We can begin to think and feel for ourselves. Which is to say we can change what we perceive as reality. And once we do that, we can truly change the societies we live in. We can break the worldwide “culture of silence” and reclaim authentic self expression.
We can begin to heal the Earth and her people, beginning with ourselves.
I have often said one of the greatest obstacles to genuine communication is that each of us sees the world as we see ourselves. In other words, if I think something is wrong, you also must arrive at that conclusion. What I love, you must love; what I hate, you must hate also. When it comes to matters of loyalty, trust, love, or friendship, I’ll share those qualities only if I believe you are a carbon copy of my preferences, prejudices and fears. To be precise, my ignorance must be yours.
For genuine dialogue to occur between two human beings ... to achieve real communication where meaning is exchanged so understanding results ... this “my way or the highway” approach to human relationships must stop.
Instead, we need to ask ourselves ---
Can we expand our tolerance of other points of view?Can we reexamine our absolute beliefs, each a stone in the walls we build to exclude others?
Can we broaden our capacity to embrace new ideas that will expand the horizons of what we have been taught to believe is reality?
These questions are not posed out of idle curiosity. They address a global imperative. And the numbers tell you why. If you could shrink the Earth’s population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, the demographic profile of that village would look something like this:
57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere
8 Africans
52 would be females
48 would be males
70 would be nonwhite
30 would be white
70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian
89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual
6 people would possess 59% of the entire world’s wealth and all six would be from the United States
80 would live in substandard housing
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
1 would be near death
1 would be near birth
1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education
1 would own a computer.When you consider the world from such a compressed perspective, an aching need for tolerance, acceptance, understanding, education, compassion --- and critical consciousness --- becomes overwhelmingly apparent.
If hope springs eternal, then I hope every one of you is up to this immense challenge. And I hope the contents of every eXpress Yourself newZletter will help light your way.
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THE TALKING STICK
There’s a wonderful word used to describe a breakthrough moment in our thinking ... a moment when we are really conscious ... when layers of cultural conditioning are peeled away and we see something in a bright new light. The word is “ahha” and it describes a defining moment of liberation, or as Joseph Campbell said, a moment of epiphany.
The liberation we feel at such an “ahha” moment begins by listening to each other. I mean REALLY listening. As you already know from your last XYZ newsletter, most of us could significantly improve our listening skills. One technique that can help is the Talking Stick.
For thousands of years, talking sticks have been a valuable tool in assuring that a message communicated by one person is accurately understood by another. A talking stick works because two people agree to abide by this simple yet binding pledge:
WHEN YOU SPEAK, I WILL LISTEN.
WHEN I SPEAK, YOU WILL LISTEN.Only the person with the stick may talk. The listener agrees not to interrupt or interfere in any way with what the speaker is expressing, even if he or she disagrees with what is being said. The person holding the stick is granted the right to speak without interruption. Only when the speaker is through and the stick is passed to the listener do the roles reverse, as the speaker becomes the listener who has agreed not to interrupt for any reason.
The purpose of the talking stick is to allow people the dignity and respect of being heard, and to assure that what is being said will be received with focused attention. When held in the speaker’s hand, the talking stick reminds us to restrain our all-too-human impulse to interrupt, inject our opinions and remarks, divert our attention from the speaker to something else, or attempt to control how the speaker’s message is delivered or received.
Some talking sticks are extremely ornate, particularly those used in Native American ceremonies. But a talking stick doesn’t need to be fancy. It doesn’t even have to be a stick. It can be just about any object designated for this specific purpose ... just as long as the chosen object can be held comfortably in one’s hand. The object itself is of less importance than what the object stands for when it is held --
a person’s right to speak without interruption.The talking stick assures that everyone has an equal voice.
The next time you want to be sure your message is received as delivered, why not use the talking stick? After all, something that has been assuring everyone an equal voice for thousands of years must have some merit, don’t you think?
Of course, your first attempts may seem a little awkward. Believe it or not, we interrupt others more often than we’d like to admit or are aware of, at least consciously. And even if we don’t visibly interrupt, too often our minds are focused on some other detail than the message being communicated.
Then there’s that nasty communication obstacle called ego speak ... when we don’t, won’t, or can’t listen because our minds are preoccupied with composing what our rebuttal or response is going to be ... before the speaker even has completed his or her message.
But every skill takes practice and using the talking stick will greatly improve your ability to listen. Consider this familiar real-life situation between Mary and Jack (or another similar scenario that might occur between you and someone you care about):
Something Jack did really upset Mary. She’s hurt and angry. Since Mary has never learned how to express hurt and anger, her preferred behavior in such situations is to clam up ... not say a word for as long as it makes Jack feel uncomfortable. When Jack asks, “What’s wrong,” Mary quickly responds by saying, “Nothing” ... and says it with monumental disgust in her voice as she turns a cold shoulder to Jack. (That’s called a dirty fighting strategy. We’ll get into those another time.) Mary’s silence is a power game that gives her control, but eliminates any chance for dialogue with Jack.
If you ever have experienced a similar communication breakdown that ended in icy silence or a bruising display of “verbal vomit,” I suggest you try a more compassionate way to reconnect. Find a quiet place, some spot where you won’t be disturbed by the phone, television, children running through the room, or whatever. Ask your partner to join you there.
Should the mood feel right, light a candle. It helps identify the center of your shared private space and sets your chosen physical space apart, for the moment, from its normal daily use. The two of you are meeting on equal ground. There is no one-up, one-down hierarchy between you. Place what you have chosen to use as a talking stick by the candle. Before either of you picks up the stick, agree to abide by these few simple guidelines:
One.
Whatever is spoken between the two of you shall not be repeated outside of the circle you are now making together.Two.
No judgments will be made. Differences of opinion will be welcomed and received with mutual respect. It is not necessary to be like-minded, only open-minded. Make your shared intent one of learning and understanding, not blame.Three.
When the person holding the talking stick speaks, the other will listen with focused attention and no interruptions. When the stick is passed to the other, the roles reverse.Four.
Decide what you want to achieve from this private, personal time together. Your not negotiating another SALT agreement here. Something as simple as, “Let’s clear the air,” will do.Five.
If you find yourself slipping out of dialogue into “duologue,” call for a time out. Stay physically within your circle but take a few moments to quietly reconnect with your feelings and refocus on what you each want to achieve from this time spent together.With a little practice, a talking stick can change interpersonal dynamics from ego-centered power plays to circle-centered mutual respect. That means the whole is more important than any one individual. And the whole is what you both have resolved to achieve from the time spent with the talking stick.
If using the talking stick seems difficult at first, don’t give up. Do the best you can, hold your focus, and try again later. It takes some time to change old communication habits. But any relationship worth its salt is worth the effort it takes to season a new porridge!
Good luck with your talking sticks!!
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IT’S A MATTER OF CHOICE
I am frequently asked for permission to reprint a verse or an excerpt from my book, “Hole in the Garden Wall.” I am just as frequently asked to include links from other web sites on my site. I usually decline.
But “Friday’s Inspiration,” a web site offering practical subjects and common sense, seems to be an exception. I was recently contacted by its author requesting permission to use an excerpt from my book that inspired him. I am pleased to share what he wrote from that inspiration. The first quoted paragraph below is the book excerpt he chose. The rest are Michael’s thoughts and feelings on life choices --- the ones we make and the implications those choices have on the way we relate to others.
____________________"Choosing to take responsibility for your own life is difficult. Choices frequently involve personal risks. Society, omnipotent guardian of 'shoulds' and 'oughts,' bestows no favors on those who assault the walls of social prejudices, religious dogmas, and social sanctions that separate the head from the heart and isolate individuals from their neighbors next door and around the world. There are no tangible rewards for such inner effort. But there are rewards of a different kind for those who dare to seek the hole in their garden wall. I know from experience."
------ excerpt from Hole in the Garden Wall
____________________The journey we chart and the experiences we have are a result of our choices. What we perceive depends on what part of us is in charge of the perception. If it is our personality or ego, we perceive a deadly world that exists to punish us, peopled with others who are out to protect what they have and accumulate more. If it is our higher self, our inner person that is a spark of that divinity which infuses all of Creation, we see this world as a classroom in which we are given choices in order to grow and develop our soul in its great purpose.
Life, for some, is a classroom and for others, a vale of tears. We are here to learn to live unencumbered by the material world. Doing so may take a miracle. But that is only a shift in perception, isn't it? Monitoring your reactions to the choices you are given will reveal opportunities for growth and peacefulness ...
No matter what choices we are given, the underlying message is always the same: forgive and feel love and you will know peace in your life. A negative, narrow, hateful thought system causes us to attack, strike back at others, victimizing them, punishing them with revenge, taking without giving back, and never being satisfied with the results ... Every day we make choices that fall on one side or the other of a line drawn between these two ...
Your choices, when you come down to the substance of them, are to simplify or complicate your life. Simplify your choices by choosing a loving response in all circumstances, by assuming a perception in harmony with that of your Spirit, and by committing yourself to changing how you see all the circumstances in your life.
------ Michael
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NUMB AND DUMBER
We all have endured varying degrees of cultural conditioning. I’m talking about how we have been taught, since childhood, to follow the rules, don’t make waves, play it safe, don’t raise your voice, no elbows on the dinner table, don’t cry, don’t get angry, don’t turn around in church, and put the toilet seat down (gentlemen) when you are finished.
As I wrote in “Hole in the Garden Wall,” most of us have been meticulously planted with the values and traditions dear to our families and cultures, then pinched, pruned and cultivated in the hopes we would grow into something better than the best qualities of our gardeners.
It’s hard work setting expectations for others’ lives. And it’s hard work shedding those expectations, finding the courage to step off the beaten path and begin our individual journeys toward what ultimately is the life each of us was born to live.
After 17 years of carefully monitored education, it took me another 13 years to rediscover how to think for myself. It took me another 13 years to rediscover that for all those previous 43 years, I had never really expressed my own feelings.
I truly believe we have been numbed to a level that makes it impossible for most of us to feel and express much of anything except knee-jerk emotional reactions.
But have we been dumbed down to such a level that we now require the following product labels? Judge for yourself.
On a Sear’s hairdryer:
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.On a bag of Fritos.
YOU COULD BE A WINNER. NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.
DETAILS INSIDE. (Perhaps Fritos wants to discover how many people are so hungry to win they’d steal a bag of chips!)On a bar of Dial soap:
USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.On some Swann frozen dinners:
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.On a hotel-provided shower cap box:
FITS ONE HEAD.On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert, printed on the bottom of the box:
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.On Marks & Spencer bread pudding:
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine:
DO NOT DRIVE OR OPERATE MACHINERY.On Nytol, a sleep aid:
MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.On a Korean kitchen knife:
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.On a string of Made in China Christmas lights:
FOR OUTDOOR OR INDOOR USE ONLY.On a Japanese food processor:
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.On Sainsbury peanuts:
WARNING: CONTAINS NUTS.On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
INSTRUCTIONS: OPEN PACKAGE, EAT NUTS.On a Swedish chain saw:
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH HANDS.And that ain’t all, as some would say. It looks as if computer manufacturers will have to provide more specific instruction manuals if the following excerpts, supposedly from a Wall Street Journal article, are any indication of the troubles we encounter getting our computers to work:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The dust cover turned out to be the plastic bag in which the mouse had been packaged.
3. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech person to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door.
4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “Send” key.
5. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician his computer said it “couldn’t find the printer.” The user also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but his computer still couldn’t “see” the printer.
6. An exasperated caller to Dell Tech Support couldn’t get her new computer to turn on. After ensuring that it was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response was, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal thing and nothing happens.” The foot pedal turned out to be the computer mouse.
7. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under “Windows.“ “No,” she responded. “My desk is next to the door. But that’s a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine.”
Whew!!
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ONE FINAL THOUGHT
Since I am talking about the dumbing down of society, here is a little exercise to test just how smart you really are.
Read this sentence:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT
OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY
COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE
OF YEARS.Now, go back and count the number of Fs in the sentence. Count only once. Do not go back a second time. And don’t look below before you have counted the Fs.
How many did you find?
A person of average intelligence will find three Fs.
If you counted four, you are above average.
If you found five, well done.
But if you found six, you are a genius! Here’s why.Most people forget to count the Fs in OF.
That’s because the human brain tends to see each of them as a
V, not as an F.Amazing, isn’t it.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Thus endth this edition of your eXpress Yourself newZletter. I wish all our readers love, joy and full expression. Thanks for sharing these moments with me.
Prudence Kohl
Author & Photographer, “Hole in the Garden Wall”
http://www.withinwithout.com
KohlQuest Associates
3271 Polk County Line Road
Rutherfordton, NC 28139PLEASE NOTE: KohlQuest does not rent or sell lists of e-mail
addresses. We honor and respect the privacy of each and every one of our subscribers.The eXpress Yourself newZletter is copyrighted © 2001 by KohlQuest. All rights reserved. This document may not be copied in part or full without express written permission from the publisher. All violations will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
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