eXpress Yourself newZletter Vol 2001 No. 4CONTENTS OF THIS ISSUE:
Transforming Life Laws Into Life Strategies
------ Doing what works, doing what matters
Breaking Out Of Our Perceptual Boxes
------ How limiting perceptions distort our view
Fad, Fancy And The Perfect Mate
------ Changing perceptions make perfect impossible
Those Were The Days My Friend
------ A perceptive look at life before computers!
Hello Friend!
Welcome to your 2001 summer edition of the eXpress Yourself newZletter.
The XYZ newsletter was created as an interactive platform for the exchange of ideas and experiences on how to recover, reclaim and release the creative power of our own silenced voices of authentic self expression.
Its mission is to build stronger, more compassionate human relationships around a new critical consciousness grounded in genuine dialogue, rising above the prejudice of closed minds, and honoring the integrity and dignity of each person's true voice of self expression.
Together, I sincerely believe we can heal our badly bruised planet, one authentic voice at a time.
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TRANSFORMING LIFE LAWS INTO LIFE STRATEGIES
Author Phillip McGraw distilled some powerful strategies on how to live a fully conscious life in his book, "Life Strategies: Doing What Works, Doing What Matters." I have chosen six of his insights to share with you. Each begins with a Life Law, then amplifies that Life Law into an appropriate Life Strategy.
Life Law No. 1: Either you get it or you don't. Which is to say you either understand the Big Picture and the need for reclaiming your birthright of authentic self-expression so you can initiate positive change ... or you continue to remain a passive observer in the drama of your own life.
STRATEGY: Become one of those who gets it. Whatever your course in life, whatever your dreams and desires, design a workable plan, then acquire the necessary skills and knowledge to achieve the results you want.There is a popular saying that goes like this: if you can dream it, you can be it. Lovely thought but not completely true. Wishing, dreaming, longing for your heart's desires gets you inspired, but it takes courage transformed into action to achieve what you want. Achievement is made up of the same stuff as genius: 10 percent inspiration and 90 percent sweat!
Life Law No. 2: You create your own experience. Which is to say you create your own reality from the experiences you have.
STRATEGY: Acknowledge and accept the responsibility for your own life. Be accountable for the choices you make and the decisions that come from those choices.Living consciously means you think for yourself. You don’t point the finger of blame at anyone or anything. S__t happens.
That’s part of the human experience. But no matter what occurs, resist the ego impulse to blame something or someone else.Be kind to yourself. You are a human being. All humans make mistakes, but we have the power to learn from our failures and grow stronger from those experiences. To remain adaptive in a world that is rapidly changing every day, we must be committed to continuous learning as a way of life.
Life Law No. 3: You cannot change what you do not acknowledge.
STRATEGY: Get real with yourself. Get real about life and everything in it.When you live consciously, you do not attempt to evade facts. One of the greatest contradictions in life -- one of the most dangerous hypocrisies -- is to treat a fact as a nonfact. Avoiding what is real in ourselves and others leads to denial, camouflage and doublespeak. Too often people with the best intentions are unaware their thinking and value systems are riddled with contradictions.
“Be an independent thinker, but don’t question what I say.”
“We love our children and we'll stay together in this marriage even though we no longer love each other.”
“I want my daughter to be assertive so I've chosen what college she will attend and the career she will pursue.”We undermine our integrity when we persist in such contradictions because at a deeper level ... behind the masks we wear ... we know what we are doing. Live with your eyes open and see more than your eyes see. You experience little more than mere survival if you hold yourself together by avoidance and denial of what is real in your life.
Life Law No. 4: Life rewards action.
STRATEGY: Make careful decisions and then pull the trigger. Actions are rewarded, not intentions or thoughts.Remember our discussion about critical consciousness in an earlier XYZ newsletter? Critical consciousness has two parts -- reflective thought and constructive action. Living consciously means, before we pull that trigger, we have explored both dimensions:
1) we have examined what we honestly THINK and FEEL about a given situation and have determined the most appropriate way to express our thoughts and feelings within the context of the situation we are dealing with, and
2) we have chosen a reasonable course of ACTION based on what we know and feel, accepting full responsibility for the outcome, whatever that might be.The world is full of information gatherers. If you want to avoid making a decision, keep accumulating more information. True wisdom comes from acting on what you know.
Life Law No. 5: We teach others how we want to be treated.
STRATEGY: Own, rather than complain about, the way people treat you. Redefine or renegotiate your relationships, from the personal through the professional.Think about it. We are treated the way we teach others to treat us. When we are not living consciously ... when our relationships are grounded in fear rather than love ... how we teach others to treat us can be identified by these four control dramas:
1) Intimidator. We want others to treat us as absolute
authorities, as autocrats who hold the power of reward and
punishment over all who come into our sphere of influence.
We demand attention through loudness, brute strength, or threatening verbal behavior. We make others feel anxious, afraid, angry, and negated.2) Inquisitor. Our relationships are one continuous probing
inquisition.... forever questioning what other people do or say or feel. We are always looking for opportunities to say, You’re wrong, making others feel inept or inadequate in our presence. We often appear cynical, sarcastic. or hypercritical. We like winning manipulative mental games that make us feel superior.3) Aloof. We choose to appear detached and removed from the moment, hoping we will never have to engage in anything more serious than cocktail conversations. We don’t want to commit to anything or anyone. We “need our space.” Our justifications for no action are “I don’t have enough .....” or “I need more .....” or “I’m not ready to ....”. Our indecisiveness makes others suspicious or just plain nuts!
4) Victim. We want others to see us as people who have no control over the events that color and shape our realities. We expect others to rescue us from our feelings of inadequacy. We know there is power in impotency and we know how to hook others into playing the role of Rescuer. Our greatest weapon is to make others feel quilty.
If one of the above fits your behavior, perhaps its time to reconsider how you can redefine the way to connect to and treat other humans. All four controlling behavior are masks hiding our personal fears. Fear of responsibility. Fear of exposure. Fear of connection. Fear of commitment.
WHEN WE MOVE THROUGH LIFE BLINDLY,
WE HAVE GOOD REASON TO BE AFRAID.Life Law No. 6: You create your own reality. Everything else is perception.
STRATEGY: Identify the filters through which you view the world. Our interpretations of situations determine how we will respond and how others respond to us.Hmmm... this requires a little more explanation. Let’s examine perceptions.
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BREAKING OUT OF OUR PERCEPTUAL BOXES
Perceptions. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again ...
ONE OF THE GREATEST OBSTACLES TO GENUINE COMMUNICATION IS THAT
WE PERCEIVE THE WORLD AS WE PERCEIVE OURSELVES.In other words, what I believe is moral, everyone else must think is moral. What I believe is true, you must believe also. What angers me, humors me, frustrates me, or interests me must do the same for you. And if you don’t think and believe as I do, you are of no interest to me.
This is the stuff of the closed mind ...
that creates the poison of prejudice ...
that breeds the stereotypes ...
that masks the fears we have of
ANYTHING OR ANYONE OUTSIDE OUR COMFORT ZONES.It takes tremendous courage to rise above the prejudice of closed minds in search of an inner strength for ourselves that can never again be insulted or denied.
It takes equally as much courage to unlearn the stereotypes, impressions and cultural beliefs we have grown up with ... perceptions imprinted on us that severely constrict the vision we have of ourselves and the world we live in.
We don’t all see things the same way. Although diversity is exciting and different opinions are the spice of life, allowing prejudicial perceptions to rule our interactions with other human beings can be quite deadly. Literally.
I’ve said this before and it’s worth repeating:
WHAT WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND WE FEAR.
WHAT WE FEAR WITH LABEL.
AND BEHIND SUCH LABELS RESIDES ALL THE IGNORANCE OF HUMANKIND.This kind of myopia ... near-sightedness ... is simply intolerable in today’s world of global communication and disappearing geopolitical boundaries. There is no place in human affairs for such rigid, demeaning, pre-judgmental perceptions as the following: (Fill in the blank with one or two words based on what you’ve been taught and/or believe.)
Latinos are _____________________.
African-Americans are _______________________.
Blue collar workers are _______________________.
Homosexuals are ___________________.
Southerners (or Northerners, Easterners or Westerners) are _______________________________.
Women (Females, Men, or Males) are ______________.
Such prejudicial stereotyping is a short circuit in thinking. By developing an attitude or belief about an ENTIRE GROUP, then applying that attitude to every member of that group, we no longer have to relate to or deal with individual differences. In these limiting beliefs there can be no exception to the perceptual rule.
There is no need to open up to anyone new or different. Our sacred cow perceptions need never be challenged. There is no threat to our established comfort zones, no fear of contradiction or confrontation. We are absolute.
So, you’re saying to yourself, I’m not a prisoner of imprinted perceptions. Perhaps not. But you are probably not aware of how your ability to think creatively for yourself has been corroded by years of subliminal conditioning ... by the institutions we trusted to protect and nourish our ability to think and reason.
Like our schools ..... “Question anything I say but give the right
answer on my test or you will fail this class.”Like our government ...”We honor your independence and inalienable rights, but you people are incapable of acting in your own best interests without a Federal godfather to protect your welfare and safety.”
Like our churches ... “Mine is the only true god and if you don’t worship my god my way you are doomed to burn in hell forever.”
(Sounds to me like the contradictions in Life Law No. 3!)
So, are you ready to test your ability to break out of the limitations imposed by preconditioned perceptual responses? If so, try this exercise.
Mark a piece of paper with nine dots. Three dots in a horizontal line. Two dots down under each of these three. Make the dots 1 inch apart. You should end up with a 2-inch square, one dot in each corner, one dot in the center of each exterior line, and one dot in the center. Nine dots altogether that should look like this, only larger:
o o o
o o o
o o oNow, connect all the dots through their centers USING ONLY FOUR LINES AND NOT LIFTING YOUR PEN FROM THE PAPER. See if you reach beyond the subliminal conditioning that created the perception that will make it very difficult for most folks to solve this puzzle.
Have fun and good luck! If you can’t solve this puzzle, let me know and I’ll fax or e-mail the solution to you!
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FAD, FANCY, AND THE PERFECT MATE
Imprinted expectations very much influence our perceptions of what we believe we want in our perfect mate. So do prevailing cultural fads or fancies. Which makes it extremely difficult for anyone, short of a chameleon, to measure up to the unspoken wish list of a prospective mate.
Walter Kirn brilliantly expresses the humor and hopelessness of contemporary dating and mating in his delightful editorial from Time, August 28, 2000, entitled “One Man’s Gripe.”
_______________________Whatever it is that women want in men, two things are certain:
a) it changes annually, and
b) women never seem to find it.In the ‘70s, they looked for sensitivity. Then came a backlash. Strength was the ideal; then strength and sensitivity combined. And a willingness to commit, of course --- without being clingy. Clinginess was fatal. A little success and power were welcome too, as long as the man in question wasn’t controlling.
Now, it seems that what’s wanted is a soul mate, a sort of buff Buddha who’s terrific in bed, who’s on top of his health, his finances and emotions, and can serve in a pinch as a spiritual adviser. It’s a testimony to women’s romantic natures that they really believe such men exist out there.
Human mating wasn’t always this complicated. When it came to attracting a woman’s interest, it used to be easy for a guy: get a good job and use deodorant. To be considered promising- husband material, a man didn’t even have to be good-looking; he just had to have a job --- and use deodorant.
That was my father’s world. It disappeared some time between the Beatles and the Eagles and didn’t return. What replaced it was a shopping list. A long one, always subject to revision and spur-of-the-moment additions and deletions --- the sort of list that women bring to supermarkets.
I once dated a woman, a New York artist, who went through her checklist for me, point by point. Her dream man needed to earn more money than she did --- 50% more, to be exact. He had to have a wide and varied social circle drawn from the city’s upper echelons. Last, he had to be in therapy --- not just any form of therapy, mind you, but classical Freudian therapy. I was flummoxed.
Because I liked the woman, I set to work remaking myself according to her outline, but midway through my self-improvement drive, she dropped me cold. I was trying too hard, she said. My question to her was, Why would any man slave for riches, cultivate snobbish friends and lie down twice a week on a shrink’s couch except to impress some woman? She couldn’t answer this.
What hasn’t changed over all these years is what men want in women. If the drama of sexual interest is a dance, it’s a dance with a broomstick, men being the broomstick. They stand there, staring at a woman’s chest, while the woman whirls around in circles, making requests and ticking off conditions. Come closer. No, give me space. Commit. Back off. Toughen up. Soften up. Lighten up. Get serious. It’s enough to drive a guy to drink, but unfortunately contemporary women no longer find hard-drinking men attractive. This too will change though.
In the meantime, men will continue to mold themselves to fit the ideal of the moment. Witness Al Gore. In his quest to attract the women’s vote, he has tried everything from empathy to aggression, sports jackets to polo shirts. Poor thing. By trying to look strong, he risks appearing weak --- a mistake I made once myself. I’m wiser now. Whatever it is that women want in men, they’ll want something different next year, with one exception. They’ll always prefer guys who use deodorant.
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THOSE WERE THE DAYS MY FRIEND
Our childhood experiences have a powerful influence on our adult perceptions. Sometimes we forget the little things from our earlier years that shaped the way we think and feel.
Take a moment and touch base with some of those “little things.” For those of your who were born after the advent of the PC computer, here’s a lesson in what life was like before the World Wide Web!
Believe it or not, there was a time before the Internet . . before semi-automatics and crack ... before SEGA or Super Nintendo .... a time our perceptions tell us was a simpler time, a time when we chatted on the front porch rather than in an electronic chat room.
I'm talking about when we sat on the stoop,
about hide and go seek ...
Simon Says ...
Kick the Can ...
Red light - Green light ...
lunch boxes with a thermos ...
chocolate milk, going home for lunch ...
penny candy from the store ...
hopscotch, butterscotch, skates with keys ...
Jacks, Hula Hoops and sunflower seeds ...
wax lips and mustaches ...
Mary Janes and saddle shoes
and Coke bottles with the names of cities on the bottom.Running through the sprinkler, circle pins ...
bobby pins, the original Mickey Mouse Club ...
Rocky & Bullwinkle ...
Kookla, Fran & Ollie, all in black & white.When around the corner seemed far away
and going downtown seemed like going somewhere.A time for climbing trees, making forts, backyard shows ...
lemonade stands, Cops and Robbers ...
Cowboys and Indians, staring at clouds ...
jumping on the bed, pillow fights, ribbon candy ...
Jackie Gleason, white gloves ...
walking to the movie theater ...
Remember that?Not stepping on a crack or you'll break your mother's back ....
paper chains at Christmas ...
silhouettes of Lincoln and Washington,
the smell of paste in school.What about The Stroll, popcorn balls, & sock hops?
Remember when ....
there were two types of sneakers for girls and
boys (Keds & PF Flyer) and the only time you
wore them at school was for "gym."
And the girls had those ugly gym uniforms.When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.
When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked,
and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time.
And, you didn't pay for air.When they kept kids back a grade in school if they failed.
When the worst thing you could do at school was
smoke in the bathrooms, flunk a test, or chew gum.
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing
compared to the fate that awaited you at home.Remember when a '57 Chevy was everyone's dream car ...
to cruise, peel out, lay rubber, or watch submarine races,
and people went steady and girls wore a class ring with an inch of wrapped Band-Aids, dental floss or yarn coated with pastel frost nail polish so it would fit her finger.And no one ever asked where the car keys were because
they were always in the car, in the ignition,
and the doors were never locked!Remember when stuff from the store came without
safety caps and hermetic seals because no one
had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger.With all our progress, don't you wish, just once,
you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace
and share it with the children of today?Share your memories of Nancy Drew
and the Hardy Boys ...
Laurel & Hardy ...
Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery ...
The Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows ...
Nellie Belle, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk ...
as well as the sound of a reel mower on Saturday morning,
and summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, bowling
and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.Relish the moment when you say,
"Yes, I remember that because I was there!!”~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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We’ve come to the end of your 2001 summer eXpress Yourself newZletter. I trust I've given you lots to think about. Better yet, don't just think, feel the ideas I presented. Feel how you might strengthen your relationships by changing your perceptions as I suggested. And if you are bold enough to share your thoughts and feelings, I'd be honored if you'd dash off an e-mail to: imagineer@blueridge.net
I wish all our readers love, joy and full expression. Thanks for sharing these moments with me.
Prudence Kohl
Author & Photographer, "Hole in the Garden Wall"
http://www.withinwithout.comKohlQuest Associates
3271 Polk County Line Road
Rutherfordton, NC 28139PLEASE NOTE: KohlQuest does not rent or sell lists of e-mail addresses.
We honor and respect the privacy of each and every one of our subscribers.The eXpress Yourself newZletter is copyrighted © 2001 by KohlQuest. All rights reserved. This document may not be copied in part or full without express written permission from the publisher.
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