eXpress Yourself newZletter Vol 2002 No. 2
CONTENTS OF THIS ISSUE:
Last Issue's Puzzle Solutions
--- You can stop scratching your heads!
Words Can Wound -- In More Ways Than One
--- Take a look at these verbal bloopers
I Heard What You Said But What Did You Mean?
--- How symbols and subjectivity rule our words
English Is A Crazy Language!
--- With apologies (or compliments) to comedian Gallager
Happy Spring to you all! I trust this 2002 edition of your eXpress Yourself newZletter finds you practicing your communication skills. (I said that before, but it bears repeating.)
Okay. I’m being idealistic. You probably haven’t been practicing. ( I’ve said that before, too!)
The point is ... there is nothing we take more for granted than our ability to communicate. We assume we are great communicators. Most of us are not. We assume because we talk, therefore we communicate. This is absolutely not true. Most talking is little more than ego speak or noise.
We assume we listen, but we clearly do not. We may hear, but we DO NOT listen. You are NOT listening if you are not looking directly into the speaker’s eyes, fully concentrating on what he or she is saying. (Perhaps it’s time to visit the XYZ Archives and review the article on the Talking Stick -- issue Vol. 2001 No. 2.)
This edition of your eXpress Yourself newZletter offers some more thought-provoking ideas on how to sharpen your communication skills, this time concentrating on the power of words.
But first ... solutions to the brain teasers that tested your abilities at breakthrough thinking in the last issue of your XYZ newsletter.
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LAST ISSUE’S PUZZLE SOLUTIONS
The Equation
Examine the following equation:2 + 7 - 118 = 129
Add one straight line anywhere in the equation to make it a true statement of mathematical equality.
THIS PUZZLE HAS AT LEAST 3 SOLUTIONS.
One can simply put a slash through the equals sign to make it “does not equal,” or one can put a diagonal line upward from the right end of the equal sign to make the expression read “less than or equal to.” Both these changes create true mathematical expressions as required by the problem.But the third solution truly demonstrates breakthrough thinking. The
plus sign + can be changed to the number 4 by adding a
vertical line on the upper left of the sign.Now the formula reads 247 - 118 which does = 129!
The Rivals
Two sisters, daughters of a rich man, were ardent rivals in sports car racing, socializing, and the game of life in general. Their father got disgusted with their competitiveness and decided to teach them a lesson. So he asked them to meet him at a deserted race track. Each daughter arrived driving her fancy sports car.
“The winner of the race I have designed will receive a brand new sports car," announced the father. "But this race will be different. The one whose car crosses the finish line last wins.”
The two sisters hopped into the cars and roared off around the track as fast as they could go. Why?
SOLUTION: Each sister drove the other sister’s car! Most people just assume each sister drove her own car. And that’s the problem with assumptions. They are usually wrong.
The Four Chains
Greta has four short chains of just three links each. She wants them reworked into one continuous circular chain of twelve links. Her jeweler will do the job for these fees: three cents to open a link and two cents to close it. Greta figures out a way to get the job done for fifteen cents. What does she tell the jeweler to do?
SOLUTION: Fifteen cents means that Greta told the jeweler to open and close just three links. But which three? There’s no point in taking one link each from three of the original chains because that strategy still leaves four pieces to be connected without enough links to do the job. Therefore, the freed links must all come from a single chain. The assumption most people make is that link openings and closings must be performed on each chain --- and of course that won’t bring you to a satisfactory solution.
So ... how many solutions did you get?
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WORDS CAN WOUND --- IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE
First, some funny examples. These were actual ads taken from major newspapers all across the United States:
ILLITERATE? Write today for free help.
AUTO REPAIR SERVICE. Free pick up and delivery. Try us once, you
will never go anywhere again.DOG FOR SALE Eats anything and is fond of children.
STOCK UP AND SAVE. Limit: one.
FOR SALE: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers.GREAT DAMES for sale.
TIRED OF CLEANING YOURSELF? Let me do it.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
How about these gems ... actual notations made by physicians on patients’ files. You figure it out --- precisely what were these doctors trying to say?
Patient’s skin was moist and dry, somewhat pale but present.
Occasionally, constant infrequent headaches.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,
until she got a divorce.The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
Patient was seen in consultation with the doctor, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
And nowhere, in my humble opinion, do more people trip over their own tongues than in the business arena. Especially when business folks attempt to communicate across multicultural boundaries. Here are just a few examples to illustrate my point:
1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it
translates as "Suffer from diarrhea."2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following
in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux." (Perhaps that’s why so many Americans bought one!!)3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into
Germany only to find out that "mist" in German is slang for manure.4. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name
of a notorious porno magazine.5. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into
"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.6. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make
a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an
aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Unless you are stone dead, you probably had a good chuckle over these verbal “bloopers.” But the sobering thought is this -- too often we don’t stop and think what’s at stake when we open our mouths to speak. It’s scary when you consider this irrevocable truth about interpersonal communication:
WORDS THAT ARE SPOKEN CANNOT BE TAKEN BACK.
Never. Ever.
They’re out there ... in the universe, if you will. You cannot retract what you have spoken. Your words are now in someone’s memory. And if what you spoke was delivered with the intent to hurt, humiliate, anger, punish, belittle, wound, disconfirm, discredit, manipulate, assault, or brutalize, your words will stay in the receiver’s memory forever.
Sure, you can always say you didn’t mean it, after the fact ... or you can apologize ... or perform some other act of contrition. But the fact remains: the words were spoken to someone who now bears the memory of your verbal exchange. And even with our best intentions to forgive, memories are difficult to erase, particularly those that mark a personal wound.
Let’s look at some time-tested techniques that help us become more careful in choosing the words we speak .... before we speak them.
Here’s a new motto to use as a guideline:
THINK TWICE. SPEAK ONCE.
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I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID BUT WHAT DID YOU MEAN?
Just because two people speak English ... or Spanish ... or Swahili, don’t think they speak the same language. Here are two indelible reasons why:
No. 1--- LANGUAGE IS SYMBOLIC
Words don’t have meaning. People give meaning to words. Think about that. It’s very true.
In the United States, a simple wave of the hand is a gesture of friendship. In other countries, it’s viewed as a vulgar insult. But you don’t have to step beyond geographical borders to get into trouble. Jargon represents one of the more visible examples of symbolic language. Certain groups give certain meanings to words in order to exclude others from their inner sanctum ... or to elevate and separate group members from others by their ability to understand their own private internal language. From street gangs to the inner workings of Congress ... from professional groups to cartels, words demonstrate power, especially if you and your group are the only ones who understand the symbolic language.
No. 2 --- LANGUAGE IS SUBJECTIVE
Take the word “love.” Ask 20 people to define love, and you can be certain you will get 20 different responses. Words are interpreted in many different ways which is why people endure so many misunderstandings in their relationships.
Every day, people all over the world will engage in arguments over freedom, democracy, socialism, feminism, hedonism, atheism, or whatever .... and most never realize the words that fuel their arguments represent dramatically diffferent personal interpretations.
The inflammatory rhetoric that boils out of subjective verbal interpretations creates wars. Just look around the world and see the evidence for yourself. Can words kill? Absolutely.
So, is genuine communication hopeless, considering the intimidating obstacles of symbolic and subjective meanings? It’s not hopeless ... but now you see why it takes tremendous effort and skill improvement to genuinely communicate with others.
Practice the following techniques and you will see a great improvement in your ability to communicate precisely what you mean ... in spite of symbols and subjectivity!
Distinguish Facts From Inferences
Here’s a fact -- The woman in the red dress was driving a red VW.
Here’s an inference -- The driver was seething with rage.Facts is facts. They offer observable proof. No subjectivity here. A red VW is a red VW. Period. But inferences are subjective. We surmise something without absolute proof ... seething rage ... and we draw our own conclusions or add our own subjective judgments.
Learn to separate fact from inference. Instead of trying to read another person’s mind ... or draw your own conclusions from another person’s behavior ... identify what is observable ... suggest what you have inferred from your observations ....then CHECK FOR ACCURACY by asking the other person to respond.
“When you didn’t return my phone call (fact), I thought you might be mad at me (inference). Are you? (question)
Explain Relative Words
Relative words get their meaning by comparison. Words like “fast” and “slow,” “smart” and “dumb,” “short” and “long,” are clearly defined only through comparison. If someone asked you if you work for a large company, it all depends on what you are being compared to: General Motors or the Mom and Pop grocers on the corner?
Link relative words to more measurable terms and many of your communication bobbles will be eliminated. You will never again follow a friend’s advice and go to a “cheap” restaurant only to discover is was twice as expensive as you anticipated!
Use “I” Language, Not “You” Language
This is a biggie .... because “you” language is an extremely corrosive way we control others. Use it and you are using a power play. Unfortunately, in 99 percent of verbal exchanges, “you” language is present, perhaps because we have lost the ability to name and claim our own feelings. Instead, we continually blame others for the way we feel.
“You made me look stupid.”
“I wish you wouldn’t be so critical.”
“What’s the matter with you? What were you thinking?”“You” language expresses or implies a judgment of another person.
That puts the recipient of your message in a defensive posture. His/her response very likely will escalate the exchange as they hide their hurt feelings under more “you” language.“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Why do you always make me feel so inferior?”
“Why don’t you mind your own business?”Etc.... etc.... ad infinitum, ad nausea.
Here’s a better way. Use “I” language which expresses your feelings without criticizing another or making implied judgments.
“I” language has three parts. It:1. describes the other person’s behavior
2. expresses your feelings about that behavior, and
3. states the consequences the other’s behavior has for you.“When you didn’t pick me up on time (behavior) I was late for work and I wound up getting chewed out by my boss (consequences).
That’s why I am mad (feelings).”Even the best “I” language won’t work unless it is delivered the right way. That means no nonverbal behavior is present to defeat your message. Your tone of voice, body posture, and facial expressions can’t be delivering “you” messages at the same time! Again, think twice before you speak. The object is to express how the other person’s behavior affects you --- not act as his or her judge and jury!!
Try this exercise for some practice using “I” language. Think of three “you” statements you could make to people in your life --
your spouse, parents, children, boss, coworker, or neighbor.
Transform each statement into an “I” statement and rehearse them by yourself or in front of a mirror.Begin to recognize those judgmental verbal exchanges when your first knee-jerk reaction is to deliver critical, judgmental words in return. Stop and rework your message into an “I” statement. With practice, you can defuse defensive responses, reduce finger-pointing, and express yourself more honestly.
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ENGLISH IS A CRAZY LANGUAGE!
This is for all eXpress Yourself newZletter subscribers whose native tongue is not English (especially American English), and for those of us who try to understand and be understood by anyone who is learning English. It’s all about words -- their symbols and subjectivity!
Reasons Why The English Language Is So Hard To Learn:
The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The solider decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time
to present the present.A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; nor apple or pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries
in France.Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese? If there’s one moose, why not 2 meese?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, why does a humanitarian eat?In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise
man and a wise guy are opposites?You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which our house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects
the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race
at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible,
but when the lights are out, they are invisible.Think about it!
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~This concludes this second edition 2002 of the eXpress Yourself newZletter. But before I close, let me remind you again about our new web site addresses:
Hole in the Garden Wall book:
http://www.holeinthegardenwall.com/XYZ Newsletter subscriptions:
http://www.holeinthegardenwall.com/newsletter.htmlXYZ Newsletter Archives:
http://www.kohlquest.com/xyzarchives.htmlMay this spring bring forth in full beauty all the seeds of new ideas you have planted. Thanks for sharing these moments with me.
Prudence Kohl
KohlQuest Associates
3271 Polk County Line Road
Rutherfordton, NC 28139The eXpress Yourself newZletter is copyrighted © 2002 by KohlQuest. All rights reserved. This document may not be copied in part or full without express written permission from the publisher.
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