eXpress Yourself newZletter Vol 2003 No. 1


                              CONTENTS OF THIS ISSUE:

The Corrosive Damage of Verbal Abuse
            --- Indelible wounding from those caustic throwaway words
                        Body Language That Puts Down
                        Name-Calling
                        Taking Away Someone's Voice

Profile of an Abuser
            --- Like parent, like child: the generational legacy of abuse victims

A Little Wisdom from Charles Schultz
            --- Who are the real heroes in your life?

 
We're Ready to Roll Again!

Obviously, you've noted your XYZ newsletter has been conspicuous by its absence.  Much has happened at KohlQuest over the past few months that has caused us to pause and consider ever element connected to our multiple enterprises. One point of consideration was whether or not to continue publishing this newsletter.  After much deliberation and input from readers and friends, we've decided to "start the presses rolling again" and keep the newsletter in circulation.

You will note a few changes, but not in the quality or sincerity of our intent: to build more powerful, compassionate relationships grounded in genuine dialogue and rising above the prejudice of closed minds.

We welcome a new contributor to the XYZ newsletter --- Dr. Debby Schwarz Hirschhorn, a marriage and family therapist specializing in recovery from and prevention of verbal, emotional, physical abuse, and trauma.  Her subject for this issue is verbal abuse.  You will be stunned at what she reveals.

So, lets get right into the heart of the matter.

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THE  CORROSIVE DAMAGE OF VERBAL ABUSE

What is Verbal Abuse?

Verbal abuse is not merely a collection of words--if only it were that
simple. It is any and all of these:
~~ body language that's a put-down
~~ name-calling 
~~ taking away someone's "voice" 
~~ yelling and body language that frightens 
~~ accusing & blaming 
~~ endless criticism 
~~ pushing buttons 
~~ deceit 
~~ manipulation 
~~ withholding (information, sexual contact, etc.)

Let's examine just a few from the above list.

Body Language That's A Put-Down

What's the most ancient form of communication, still existing in full force in the animal world? You got it--body language. Oh, those rolling eyeballs that speak volumes! The nasty piece about body language is that people "read" it unconsciously and register it as weird only when the spoken language and the body aren't saying the same thing. 

Let's take an example: "Oh, sweetie, you can talk to me any time." Sounds nice, inviting, warm, right? Now suppose someone said that with a frown, or in such an undertone that it was barely 
audible, or with their nose in a book. Wouldn't that be confusing? The listener would be forgiven if she or he wasn't sure if it were sincere. 

So, suppose someone was saying, "I respect you," but they were looking bored, eyes cast off at a spot on the floor. What message would the listener hear? 

Suppose a mother says, "I love you" but her arms are stiff as she holds her little child. Suppose your own true love holds your hand very, very loosely as you walk down the street. Can you see how each of these gestures of the body convey an unclear meaning or one that is the opposite from the spoken one?

Here are some rules of words and deeds:
~~ If words and deeds don't match, the listener doesn't believe the words. In other words, the deeds rule.
~~ Usually, the listener doesn't know why. In other words, the action speaks to the unconscious so the listener doesn't consciously know what was communicated. He just feels uncomfortable. Or, the listener could come to believe that the speaker is a liar--or at least someone not to be trusted--and never consciously know why.

Worst case scenario, the listener could come to lose faith in his or her own sanity or intelligence. Their conscious mind says that the speaker is a doll, a first-rate human being, and they come to dismiss the messages from their unconscious mind because they can't put their finger on what the problem is. This would be particularly so if the speaker is someone that is supposed to love them. They would rather mistrust themselves than the one they love. 

Here's another scenario. Suppose the body language was not subtle, not contradictory, like eyeball rolling while telling someone "That's dumb." Guess what? The eyeball rolling hurts more. The body language is more potent, more powerful than even the words. So when you add them together, it packs a punch. I mean it. It packs a punch. No need to punch, friends, you've done it already.

Now here is the fascinating part. The body language is "read" by a different part of the brain than the words. When you receive body messages, they are read by the older, deeper, more emotional part of the brain and not only are those messages more potent and painful, they are harder to overcome years later, they are harder to counteract, they are harder to unlearn.(Not impossible, just harder.) 

That is why they hurt so badly and why you somehow believe they are true--even more true than when friends, and those who truly love you, try to convince you that you are really a good person. In summary, the body language is:
~~ believed more
~~ hurts more
~~ has a message that is harder to disagree with than cognitive messages, and
~~ can lead to intense self-doubt and confusion.

Obviously, any kind of recovery program must take this into account.

Name-Calling 

Here are some questions you might ask:
~~ What's wrong with name-calling?
~~ Why can't people just take a joke anyway?
~~ If I'm mad at someone, shouldn't I be able to express my feelings so that she/he knows they did something wrong?

Good questions. Let's look at each of them.

~~ What's wrong with name-calling?

In a marriage, you are supposed to be equal partners. Right? Ok, now follow my thought: The person who pins a label on another person is the one with the power. 

That is the reason why, as a marriage counselor, I do not believe in giving people a diagnosis--it, too, is a process of labeling people which gives me unfair power. 

The same is true in relationships. As soon as I call you something, I have given myself power and taken it away from you. That's why name-calling is abusive. Marriages are not supposed to be power struggles. In fact, if I call you anything except something you would agree with or accept as a compliment, it's abusive. 

For example, let's say you were the president of a small company, and your spouse called you "Bill Gates," that would be abuse. It's 
not only factually incorrect (unless you were Bill Gates), but it does not respect what you actually do. It's as if your own true love was saying, "Anything less than being Bill Gates is no good." It's sarcastic; it's a put-down.

As a parent, you can read what is written above and logically argue that a parent is superior to a child and can pass judgment and therefore should be able to call a child names. Sorry, it doesn't follow. Yes, a parent is superior to a child. Yes, parents do make judgments. They have to. For example, "No, Mikey, you're not ready for the two-wheeler" (or to the teenager, "...for your driver's test"). 

That does not mean you can call a child names. Superior positions demand handling them responsibly. 

Responsibility means thinking through to the outcome of your actions. A parent, like a boss, has a job to get done. The boss has a product or service to produce and the parent is no different. The parent's job is to teach a child how to fit into our society, find a place for him/herself, succeed in it, get along, and be happy. Plain and simple, that's what the parent has to do.

The main word in that paragraph above is "teach." The parent is a teacher. Obviously, to do that a parent has to make judgments. But where does name-calling come in? When the child hears himself/herself called a name, that child actually learns that that is what he/she is. Whether you like it or not, as a parent, you are teaching every single minute.

So when you call your child an "idiot," the child learns, "I am an idiot." At that moment, all other doors close for that child. The door to success slams shut. The door to happiness slams shut. The door to loving or even liking himself or herself slams shut. The door to being smart, capable, talented, slams shut. You, the parent, shut it. You taught your child that he IS an idiot.

You want to rethink your language, now?

~~ Why can't people just take a joke, anyway?

I hear you saying, of course I love my wife and I don't want her to think I'm trying to make her feel bad, but I didn't mean it! It was just a joke. I mean, she was pretty clumsy that time she dropped the dinner. It was just a little harmless joke.

In reply, let me ask you a question: Where do you draw the line? When you see the story on the news of the car accident in which someone got hurt, is it funny? How about if they died?

Oh, that's where you draw the line -- it's only funny if it's a little thing, not a life and death matter. You might be right. So let me help you out with another question: Where does your wife/husband draw that line, the one who was the target of your "humor"? 

If your marriage partner thought it was funny, then you are right--it's funny. If not, then you lacked compassion, that ability to feel for another person. You were miles apart. The idea in a marriage is to be on the same page. It's a step beyond not passing judgment. It's about being in the same ballpark. Remember the reason why you got married? It was for sharing, right?

I can hear you grumbling, but why does she/he have to dictate if its funny or not? Why do I lose the power?

Excellent question. And the answer is simple: You should never have the power to hurt someone. If she doesn't think its funny, then you're being hurtful--and putting yourself out of the ballpark in the relationship. 

Listen, it is really ok to let her mood dictate what you'll say. Trust me. Because the next time the tables are turned and she is tempted to call you a name, she won't because you've been decent to her.

Another question I'd ask is: How is name-calling an expression of your feelings? You call your husband an S.O.B, let's say. What are the feelings there? Maybe you need a lesson on what feelings are. Do this exercise: 

Complete the sentence, "I feel...." using only one word. 

Feelings are one word. Like "angry," "depressed," "bad," and so on.
Name-calling is NOT an expression of feelings. The feeling behind the name-calling moment may be anger and it may be understood by your listener from your tone of voice, but you never expressed your feeling in plain English, like "I am angry at you." Now, THAT's an expression of feelings.

So what is name-calling if it's not an expression of feelings? Plain and simple, it's an attack on the other person. And what happens when one person attacks another? A number of possibilities, all bad:
~~ they could start to hate you
~~ they attack back sometimes
~~ they want to get away from the pain you dish out
~~ they don't feel like being in a relationship with you
~~ you've lost your best friend

Taking Away Someone's Voice

You might say this item is political. Who has the power? Who gets to decide what happens? Who decides what is said, to whom, and when? Let's take an example that just came up with someone I know. 

The wife, let's call her Betty, started to explain in some detail why she was able to get free to go out on an errand her husband wanted. She wanted to give him the message that her being able to go out was a sacrifice of her time. But, as she was talking, he cut her off: "Ok," he said, "Get to the point." 

Let's analyze this. Why should she get to the point? Because he decided she should? But she wanted him to hear the whole thing. Who is right? Who decides? Does he have the right to dictate how much she should speak?

Just to play Devil's Advocate, it is also a question whether she has the right to force him to listen when he feels imposed upon by sitting and hearing that whole story.

So who is right???

The answer really is that in a healthy relationship each partner takes turns getting it "their" way: Sometimes he has to listen and sometimes she has to cut it short.

So how do you convert the above scenario into a healthy relationship? I'm going to blow your mind: the answer is "manners." Yup, plain old-fashioned good manners. When the kids are little, we teach them to take turns, right? That's a nice lesson in manners. 

He should have said, "I'm not up to a long version. Is that ok?" And provided he doesn't make this request all the time, it's fine.
Furthermore, she could have been sensitive to his mood. She could have said, "I'd like to explain the whole thing to you, ok?" And provided she doesn't do that all the time, that is good manners.

Over the long haul, a loss of voice--when restricted to just one person in the relationship--has some really, really bad results:
~~ resentment of the one holding the power
~~ lack of joy in the relationship
~~ forgetting who you are -- that's a fascinating one. We know who we are by what we say. Think about it.  If you never expressed your opinion, wouldn't you lose touch with what it is after a while? A person's whole identity can be lost just because they have to "get to the point." They can't talk.

That's what losing your voice means.

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PROFILE OF THE ABUSER

Before constructive damage control and recovery can begin in a verbally abusive relationship, one has to come face-to-face with some sobering facts about abusers.  Here are some of the most crucial:

Every abuser has been a victim.

Research proves again and again that people who were victimized as children are likely to grow up to be either abusers or drawn toward abusive relationships because that is what is familiar to them. Many abuse victims manage to escape these ills and lead satisfying lives. But if you look at someone who is verbally abusive, there is no doubt that he or she was originally abused. 

Being abused is traumatic.

Being told again and again "you're stupid" by someone who is supposed to love you is no less traumatic than having been in downtown New York City on September 11, 2001. Trauma does not have to happen all at once. In fact, the most difficult trauma to shake is the kind that lasts and lasts. It is so familiar it seems as though it's normal. When an abuse victim is so used to it, it feels normal, that is an indication of trauma.

The vast, overwhelming majority of abusers are not mean, nasty, hateful people. Yes, there definitely are some bad apples, but most abusers do not mean to be mean. They don't know how to handle their hurt and anger, and have either watched their parent verbally or physically battering the other parent or have been victims themselves. Why does this matter? Because it means they can change. They can learn to be good. They can learn kindness and compassion. For some relationships, it's too late; too much damage was done. For others, it is not.

People pick each other from the heart and soul.

When you choose someone, you don't know why consciously, but the attraction seems to be for someone who has experienced what you have in life. There's a connection which may be based on the shared experience of abuse. It's as if your soul knew that no one else would understand you or relate to you but someone who's been there. 

The good part is each of you really does understand the other. The bad part is we have two traumatized people, very much in need of all the things they never got growing up, searching for what is missing in each other. The problem is if you need lots of TLC and your partner does too, there can be hurt feelings when one or both of you don't get it quick and often enough. 

Not only that, hurt feelings often come from believing the other partner meant to be hurtful. This is natural. When you are used to being abused, you just expect it. So all behavior that hurts must have been meant as abuse. That belief is usually wrong, but now the abuser becomes the victim in this relationship because he/she has been falsely accused of wanting to be hurtful.

Things get real complicated when he/she gets mad over this and now wants to be hurtful for revenge.  This dynamic is the most important one for you to be aware of as you try to communicate with each other and start to mend fences. 

Anger is a survival instinct.

When your own true love gets angry at you, it certainly is not endearing. You would think there'd be another way of expressing frustration or disappointment or hurt or feelings of abandonment or rejection. After all, logic dictates that if you felt rejected and don't want to feel that way, you'd go out of your way to act nice so as not to be rejected again. But logic doesn't rule. The emotions do. And the emotions learned to use anger as a protective mechanism. 

If one's own parents were rejecting, you know that you can't be nice to win them over. I mean, you can't win if your own parents rejected you. So "nice" gets ruled out. Nice doesn't work. What's left? Well, anger is a good one. Its scary, so it keeps nasty people away. Very protective. 

Of course, you're not supposed to keep away the person you married. Otherwise, why get married? The problem is the person with the anger already went through a whole childhood being mistreated by those who were supposed to love him. And those people were blood. So it makes perfect sense that if your own flesh and blood treated you rotten, you can't expect better from strangers. Right? At least that's the way the world looks to them. And you have to admit it makes sense. 

The above explanation is not to justify anger. It is only to understand where it comes from--to understand that it is not personal. Anger is a behavioral choice where no other choice existed. You don't deserve the anger and if you were to ask him/her in a moment of peace and quiet between you, your spouse would tell you that. The good part about this is that it is correctable. Correction requires willingness to learn new ways and a recognition that anger backfires. Not so hard. But ….

….  hurt people are very, very sensitive.

That means be careful as you start the process of opening up the doors of communication. You are sensitive and so is your mate. Think before you speak.

The author of these two articles on verbal abuse is Dr. Debby Schwarz Hirschhorn.  
Reprinted by permission. 
For more information on this timely subject, visit Dr. Hirschhorn's web site at: http://www.abuse-recovery-and-marriage-counseling.com

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A LITTLE WISDOM FROM CHARLES SCHULTZ 

Most of us know Charles Schultz created the Peanuts cartoon strip…. Charlie Brown, Lucy, Linus, Snoopy, Woodstock, and the gang. Here's a heartwarming quiz he offers to remind you to keep your eye on the donut, and not on the hole.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and  actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields.  But the applause dies.  Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

Easier?

The lesson:

The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care most about you.

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
It's already tomorrow in Australia.

----- Charles Schultz
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This concludes the first edition 2003 of the eXpress Yourself newZletter.  Before I close, let me remind you about our web site addresses:

KohlQuest ArtSpeak:
http://www.KQartspeak.com

Hole in the Garden Wall book: 
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XYZ Newsletter subscriptions:
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XYZ Newsletter Archives:
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Circle of Stones: A Gathering of Women
http://www.kohlquest.com/circle.html
Thanks for sharing these moments with me.  Make this day a great one, full of all the blessings you desire and deserve.

Prudence Kohl

KohlQuest Associates
3271 Polk County Line Road
Rutherfordton, NC 28139

The eXpress Yourself newZletter is copyrighted © 2003 by KohlQuest.  All rights reserved. This document may not be copied in part or full without express written permission from the publisher.

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