eXpress Yourself newZletter Vol 2003 No. 4
                       CONTENTS OF THIS ISSUE:
 
HOW MANY MEN DO YOU SEE?

This is one of the best optical illusions received this year … and that’s saying something considering how popular the optical illusion XYZ edition was.  (If you’re a new subscriber, check that edition out in the XYZ archives: http://www.kohlquest.com/xyz2003no2.html.)

Be patient.  Depending on your modem speed, it may take a little time for this image to completely load.

--Thanks to Pat Wilson for bringing this to our attention.

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A TRICKY WORD GAME SWITCHEROO

Here are some clever word puzzles. These may be difficult so you might need a dictionary to solve them. They were sent in from folks at the Kings Point South Club at Sun City Center Tampa. 

The purpose is to figure out the popular saying. The words mean the same as the words we are used to hearing, except they are much bigger words. There are two examples, see if you can figure out the rest. 

Example:  It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers. (Answer: You can’t teach an old dog new tricks). 

Example:  The stylus is more potent than the claymore. (Answer: The pen is mightier than the sword).
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1. Scintillate, scintillate, miniature asteroid. 
2. Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate. 
3. Surveillance should precede salutation. 
4. Pulchritude possesses solely epidermal profundity. 
5. It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal fluid. 
6. Freedom from encrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude. 
7. Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion. 
8. The temperature of aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees. 
9. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. 
10. Where there are visible vapors having their provenience in ignited carbonaceous materials there is conflagration. 
11. Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted. 
12. A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques vitiate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain comestibles. 
13. Eleemosynary deeds have their incipience intramurally. 
14. Male cadavers are incapable of yielding any testimony. 
15. Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting petrous projectiles. 
16. Neophyte’s serendipity. 
17. Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders Jack a hebetudinous fellow. 
18. A revolving lithic conglomeration accumulates no congeries of a small, green bryophitic plant. 
19. A person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the optimal cachinnation. 
 

Answers 
1.  (Twinkle, twinkle, little star) 
2.  (Birds of a feather flock together) 
3.  (Look before you leap) 
4.  (Beauty is only skin deep) 
5.  (Don’t cry over spilled milk) 
6.  (Cleanliness is next to godliness) 
7.  (Spare the rod and spoil the child) 
8.  (A watched pot never boils) 
9.  (Things are not always as they seem) 
10.  (Where there is smoke there is fire) 
11.  (Beggars can’t be choosers) 
12. (Too many cooks spoil the stew) 
13.  (Charity begins at home) 
14. (Dead men don’t tell tales) 
15.  (People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones) 
16. (Young love) 
17.  (All work and no play make Jack a dull boy) 
18.  (A rolling stone gathers no moss) 
19.  (He who laughs last, laughs best) 

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GOD BLESS THE CURMUDGEON, EVERY ONE!

One hardly would think of curmudgeons during these holidays, but perhaps we should.  This season presents us with one of the most celebrated and enduring fictional curmudgeons to ever capture our imaginations -- Ebenezer Scrooge.

So, let’s take another look at the curmudgeon and see if author Jon Winokur can make us change our point of view.  Here are his thoughts.  Perhaps a few of his points will resonate with you … or someone you know!
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We call curmudgeons "irascible,"  "grouchy, " grumpy" -- even "mean."  But the world needs curmudgeons.  They refuse to see life through the filter of wishful thinking and are outspoken in their devotion to the harsh realities of life.  They protect the rest of us, stumbling about blindly behind our rose-colored glasses, from ourselves.

Still, these are touchy times for curmudgeons.  In an age of fast food intellect, when crudity is mistaken for cleverness, the articulate, witty curmudgeon seems out of place.  Try to imagine such saber-tongued cynics as Mark Twain, James Thurber, Dorothy Parker, and H.L. Mencken grousing about America in the year 2003. 

Curmudgeons aren’t just funny or just mean.  Part of what makes a curmudgeon is an almost allergic reaction to injustice.  When confronted with it, he responds with two powerful weapons:  disgust and sarcasm.  His excruciating sensitivity to life’s countless insults -- even those that may not be intentional -- is both a curse and sustenance for his muse.  A woman once told James Thurber that she’d read a French translation of his My life and Hard Times, adding, "The book is much better in French."  Thurber replied, "Yes, my work tends to lose something in the original."

Curmudgeons are classic outsiders -- they instinctively distrust conventional wisdom and challenge authority.  They are proudly and aggressively out of touch with the pop culture.  They don’t read "relationship" books, don’t carry pagers, and don’t have TiVo.  They don’t do pilates, feng shui, or aromatherapy.  Curmudgeons never watch "Must See TV."  They know the very term is an oxymoron.

Curmudgeons harbor no illusions -- something that allows them to think clearly. They howl against cliches because they prize originality.  Take Dorothy Parker’s response when a woman informed her, "I really can’t come to your party. I can’t bear fools."  Answered Parker: "That’s strange, your mother could."

If curmudgeons are occasionally testy, it’s partly because they bear a terrific burden.  They don’t hate sinners, just sins.  They don’t hate humankind, just humankind’s excesses.  Though many would probably insist it’s the world at large that brings out their delightfully dark side, many will fess up to -- gasp! -- a buried sentimental core. Says comedian Phillis Diller, "We turn our emotional wounds into humor and if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying.  We’re sad for the world."  A curmudgeon tries desperately to have a sense of hope but is surrounded by people who are trying to take the wind out of his sails.

Political correctness -- denying or softening obvious truths in the interest of good will and harmony -- is an elephant-size target for any good curmudgeon.  "I don’t think everyone is created equal," writes famously testy Fran Lebowitz. "In fact, I know they’re not. [The Constitution] means that everyone should have the same laws as everyone else.  It doesn’t mean that everyone’s as smart or as cute or as lucky as everyone else!"

Winokur concludes the curmudgeon sensibility is an oyster’s pearl produced by the grit of existence.  Curmudgeons maintain their balance in a universe gone mad.  "When I was younger I thought it was me, but now I know it’s the world that needs fixing," says one
veteran curmudgeon on the eve of her 60th birthday. 

The beauty of it is, curmudgeons expect the worst, but they keep on playing. That’s why the curmudgeon is the ultimate adult.

---Jon Winokur is the author of various books on curmudgeonry, including the bestselling Portable Curmudgeon and the recently published Traveling Curmudgeon. The above is an abbreviated version of "A Few Good Grumps" by Winokur appearing in The AARP Magazine, November-December 2003. 

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A TEMPLATE FOR EVERY DISSATISFIED CUSTOMER

The epistle below is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.  I offer it as a model --
a template -- for anyone (just about all of us!) who has ever wished they had a powerful counterpoint for each incident of indifference, elitism, egotism, or just plain bad manners they have endured, all in the name of lousy customer service. 

Here is how one person tackled the problem.

Dear Sir: 

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.  I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account by $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. 

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.   You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2004, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud. I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, -changing, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. 

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. 

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. 

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice service: 

Press buttons as follows: 
1. To make an appointment to see me. 
2. To query a missing payment. 
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. 
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. 
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to the Authorized Contact at a later date.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7. 
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.  While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best of Woody Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, That the miners sweated for." 

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass
on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. 

First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page.  Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. New phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. 

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year. 

Your Humble Client, (Name Withheld)

--- Thanks Shari Altman, President , Altman Dedicated Direct, for bringing this letter to our attention.

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ONE VERY EXPENSIVE COOKIE RECIPE

I normally wouldn’t include a recipe, but how this once signature recipe became public property is too good to pass up!

Received the following email (forwarded five times) from JFoyer1@aol.com, so let’s presume the one relating this tale is JFoyer.  I found this supposedly true story familiar, because the famous Red Velvet Cake recipe from, Chicago's Top of the Town, the recipe I keep in my private recipe box, was acquired exactly the same way --- from a disgruntled patron who innocently asked for the recipe and was billed $500 for the inquiry!  And that was more than 25 years ago.

Don't forget to copy the cookie recipe that caused all the fuss!

A little background, for those who might not know. Neiman-Marcus is a department store in Texas, U.S.A. that is considered a very expensive store.  What qualifies a store as expensive?  One that sells your basic $8.00 T-shirt for $50.00!

My daughter and I had just finished a salad at Neiman-Marcus in Dallas, and we decided to have a small dessert. Because both of us are such cookie lovers, we decided to try the "Neiman-Marcus cookie."

It was so excellent I asked if they would give me the recipe, and the waitress said with a small frown, "I'm afraid not, but you can buy the recipe."

Well, I asked how much, and she responded, "Only two fifty -- it's a great deal!" I agreed to that, and told her to just add it to my tab.

Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement, and the Neiman-Marcus charge was $285.00! I looked again, and I remembered I had only spent $9.95 for two salads and about $20.00 for a scarf.

As I glanced at the bottom of the statement, it said, "Cookie Recipe -- $250.00". That was outrageous!

I called Neiman's Accounting Department and told them the waitress said it was "two fifty", which clearly does not mean "two hundred and fifty dollars" by any reasonable interpretation of the phrase.

Neiman-Marcus refused to budge. They would not refund my money because, in their words, "What the waitress told you is not our problem. You have already seen the recipe. We absolutely will not refund your money at this point."

I explained to the Accounting Department lady the criminal statutes that govern fraud in the State of Texas. I threatened to report them to the Better Business Bureau and theTexas Attorney General's office for engaging in fraud.

I was basically told, "Do what you want. Don't bother thinking of how you can get even, and don't bother trying to get any of your money back."

I said, "Okay, you folks got my $250, and now I'm going to have $250 worth of fun." I told her I was going to see to it that every cookie lover in the United States with an e-mail account has a $250 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus ...for free.

She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this." I said, "Well, perhaps you should have thought of that before you ripped me off!" and slammed down the phone.

So here it is! Please, please, please pass it on to everyone you can possibly think of. I paid $250 for this, and I don't want Neiman-Marcus to EVER make another penny off of this recipe!

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NEIMAN-MARCUS COOKIES (Recipe may be halved)

2 cups butter
24 oz. chocolate chips
4 cups flour
2 cups brown sugar
2 tsp. soda
1 tsp. salt
2 cups sugar
1 8 oz. Hershey Bar (grated)
5 cups blended oatmeal
4 eggs
2 tsp. baking powder
2 tsp. vanilla
3 cups chopped nuts (optional)

Measure oatmeal, and blend in a blender to a fine powder.
Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla,
mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda.

Add chocolate chips, Hershey Bar, and nuts. Roll
into balls, and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet.

Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees.  Makes 112 cookies.

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MARTHA STEWART WON’T BE DINING WITH US THIS CHRISTMAS

Many of you requested a rerun of this delightful holiday statement.
Please go to the following link in the XYZ archives:

http://www.kohlquest.com/xyz2002no5.html

Enjoy!

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JASPER AND THE UNCOOKED YEAST ROLLS

This year, having rescued an 11-week-old blue tick hound/beagle puppy from an eminent destiny as roadkill, I found this entry from Alice Payne absolutely hilarious.  Let it be a humorous reminder, during all the holiday hustle, to not forget the animals, particularly our pets, who have much to teach us about unconditional love, joy, and infinite patience … as the following story explains.
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We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year old child whom you know nothing about and committing to doing your best to be a good parent.

Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will only sleep on the bed, on top of the covers,  nuzzled as close to my face as he can get without actually performing a French kiss on me. 
Lest you think this is a bad! case of "no discipline", I should tell you that Perry and I tried every means to break him of this habit including locking him in a separate bedroom for several nights. The new door cost over $200.

 But I digress.

Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving dinner for family, extended family and a lot of friends that I like more than family most of the time. I was however assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend. I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole house that worked, thus the assignment.

I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wednesday evening to reheat on Thursday morning. Since the kitchen was freshly painted you can imagine the odor. Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams latex paint #586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise for 5 hours. After 3 hours, Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour.

 An hour later the rolls were ready to go in the oven. It was 8:30 pm. When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my shock one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to Jasper and my worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled over to me. He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear even his cheeks were bloated.  I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds of uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK, however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night. God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when they were sick. Suffice to say that by the time we went to bed the dog was black, white and pink. He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the night.

Naively thinking the dog would be all better by morning was very stupid on my part. We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing; put the dogs out to relieve themselves. Well, the dog was as drunk 
as a sailor on his first leave. He was running into walls, falling flat on his butt and most of the time when he was walking his front half was going one direction and the other half was either dragging the floor or headed 90 degrees in another direction. He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee at the same time. When he ran down the small incline in our back yard he couldn't stop himself and nearly ended up running into the fence. His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon. I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk. He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours and to keep giving him Pepto Bismol.

Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up and took him with us to my sister's house for the first Thanksgiving meal of the day. My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a  ranch, (10 to 15 minute drive). Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and  drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and I, we took off.

Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP! These burps were pure Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station. But that's not the worst of it. Now he was beginning to fart and they smelled like baked rolls. God strike me dead if I am not telling the truth! We endured this for the entire trip to Karee’s, thankful she didn't live any further away than she did.

Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the day. The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and 
everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunk dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into something.

Of course, as the old adage goes, "what goes in must come out" and Jasper was no exception. Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put a concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog's digestive system is quite different from yours or mine. I discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karee’s house. Having discovered his "packages" on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor. This was another naive decision on our part. The blast of water from the hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop on the floor withstood the blast from the hose. It was like Portland cement beginning to set up and cure. We finally tried to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else was going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor. And as if this wasn't degrading enough, the dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop and left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed too.

Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home and dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's sister's house. I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal both in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer tricolor. None the worse for wear I presume. I am also happy to report that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door. It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea.

Now, I'm doing research on the computer on "How to clean unbaked dough from the Carpet."

And how was your day?
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This concludes the holiday edition 2004 of the eXpress Yourself newZletter.  Before I close, let me remind you about our web site addresses and invite you to visit them often:

KohlQuest ArtSpeak:
http://www.KQartspeak.com

Hole in the Garden Wall book: 
http://www.holeinthegardenwall.com

XYZ Newsletter subscriptions:
http://www.holeinthegardenwall.com/newsletter.html

XYZ Newsletter Archives:
http://www.kohlquest.com/xyzarchives.html

Circle of Stones: A Gathering of Women
http://www.kohlquest.com/circle.html
 

Thanks for sharing these moments with me. 
Make this day a great one, full of the blessings you desire and deserve.

Prudence Kohl

KohlQuest Associates
3271 Polk County Line Road
Rutherfordton, NC 28139
plkohl@kohlquest.com

PLEASE NOTE:  KohlQuest does not rent or sell lists of e-mail addresses. We honor and respect the privacy of each and every one of our subscribers.

The eXpress Yourself newZletter is copyrighted © 2003-2004 by KohlQuest.  All rights reserved. This document may not be copied in part or full without express written permission from the publisher.

To subscribe to our eXpress Yourself newZletter, go to:
http://www.holeinthegardenwall.com/newsletter.html
Or send an e-mail to: plkohl@kohlquest.com with 
"Subscribe" as the Subject.
 

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