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eXpress Yourself newZletter Vol. 2004  No. 2

CONTENTS OF THIS ISSUE:

WHAT MOTHER REALLY TAUGHT ME
--- Some lessons are indelible

THE NEW BEGINNING BATTLE CRY
--- A quick, sure-fire way to raise money to battle abuse and violence in our communities

A NASTY, SUBTLE SIDE OF ABUSE REVEALED
--- Which is worse: emotional or verbal abuse?

TRY THIS COLOR TEST ... AND DON'T FORGET THE SUNGLASSES
--- Having a little fun challenging the obvious

I can almost guarantee it. 

There is simply nothing more basic, more beautiful, and more beneficial than sowing seeds … tending
what develops … weeding to encourage new growth … and harvesting the results. 

All told, that's a pretty good philosophy of life, don't you think? 

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WHAT MOTHER REALLY TAUGHT ME

A slightly irreverent backward look, through our eyes as children, at all those life lessons we learned from
Mother.  Just kidding, MOM!! 

1.  My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. 
 "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. 
 "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. 
 "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. 
"Because I said so, that's why." 

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 
'If you fall out of  that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 

6. My mother taught  me FORESIGHT. 
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 

7. My mother taught me IRONY. 
"Keep crying, and! I'll give you something to cry about." 

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. 
"Shut  your mouth and eat your supper." 

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. 
"Will you look at that  dirt on the back of your neck!" 

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. 
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 

11. My mother taught  me about WEATHER. 
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. 
 "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 

13. My mother  taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. 
"I  brought you into this world, and I can take you out." 

14.  My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR  MODIFICATION. 
"Stop acting like your father!" 

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. 
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't 
have wonderful parents like you do." 

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. 
"Just wait until we get home." 

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. 
"You are going to get it when you get home!" 

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL  SCIENCE. 
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." 

19. My mother taught me ESP. 
"Put your sweater on. Don't you think I know when you are cold?" 

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. 
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. 
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. 
"You're just like your father." 

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. 
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. 
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 

25. My mother taught me JUSTICE. 
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!" 

26. .  My mother taught me about TESTOSTERONE. 
"Eat your vegetables. They put hair on your chest. 

27.  My mother taught me GLOBAL POLITICS. 
" Clean your plate. There are children starving in India." 

How many of these did your mother teach you? 

Thanks to Alice Payne for this entry. 

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THE  NEW BEGINNING  BATTLE CRY

It's always been a beautiful lithograph print. 
Now its message has a powerful new emphasis: 

"I DEDICATE MY LIFE TO THOSE 
TOO GENTLE TO LIVE AMONG WOLVES." 

That's the battle cry of people who are MAD AS HELL about all the abuse and violence in our communities
and are determined to be a part of the solutions attacking these two devastating problems. 

This is the NEW BEGINNING POSTER that identifies those heroes who are pledging their time and talents
to stopping the twin predators of abuse and violence poisoning the lives of millions of innocent victims: 
 
 

KohlQuest ArtSpeak is serious about helping not-for-profit organizations, dedicated to fighting all
forms of abuse and violence, raise more money to support their critical work. 

We are proud to offer our New Beginning lithograph print as a powerful fundraising product, one with a
proven ability to touch and motivate people of all ages and persuasions. 

This is no ordinary poster. Its mesmerizing photographic image of a ewe with her newborn lamb has
captivated the hearts of people all over the world. 

The image's companion verse -- "I dedicate my life to those too gentle to live among wolves" -- has been
adopted as a battle cry by people who are working to build a more compassionate coexistence among
human beings, while caring for the victims of abuse and violence. 

Together, image and verse proclaim a NEW BEGINNING toward a more compassionate coexistence
among all living things on earth. 

This message is NOT wishful thinking. 
It's become a global imperative. 

Our 3 - 6 - 9  PURCHASE OPTION PLANS are the building blocks to a successful fundraising event for your
organization…. or any not-for-profit organization you know about who needs to raise funds without the fuss
and fuming too often associated with fundraising events. 

KQ ArtSpeak's 3-6-9 Purchase Option Plans make it easy to create a New Beginning fundraising project
that matches your organization's specific needs. Our purchase options are based on one fool-proof
formula: 

THE MORE YOU GET INVOLVED, THE MORE YOU EARN. 

BULK PURCHASE PLAN  : : Earn the Highest Return on Each Sale 

Purchase posters at a per poster cost of $5.95 in quantities of 100 or more and earn a whopping $9.00
return on every poster you sell.  You do your own marketing, order fulfillment, and shipping using your
mailing lists, web site, and/or online store ... or generate funds by selling posters directly to the public at
special events.  For bulk purchases, posters are shipped as flat packages. 

At $5.95 per poster, that's 60% off our retail price of $14.95. 

But here's a little fundraising secret -- with bulkpurchasing, you can set the retail poster price anywhere you please. The higher you make it, the more money your organization receives from each sale! 

WHOLESALE PURCHASE PLAN : :  We Tube. You Mail 

Order wholesale at a per poster cost of $8.95 and earn a hefty $6.00 return on every sale. That's 40% off the
retail price. Your organization handles order acknowledgment, order processing, credit card transactions,
order fulfillment, and shipping. 

Whatever number of posters you order from KohlQuest ArtSpeak,, we package each one in its own sturdy,
unlabeled mailing tube, then bundle them together and ship directly to your office or facility.  All you have to 
do is apply your own mailing labels and send them to your customers. 

You can add any other identification you desire to the tube ... from logos to slogans. You're doing the
shipping, so have a little fun with the package! 

COMPLETE FULFILLMENT PLAN: :  We Do It All For You 

KohlQuest ArtSpeak does the credit card processing.  We do the order acknowledgment.  We do order
fulfillment and shipping.  We've already done the poster marketing and promotion via our web site. If
requested, we'll even provide free promotional material for your New Beginning poster fundraiser to add to
your organization's newsletter or e-mails. 

If you choose this Complete Fulfillment Plan, you won't have to deplete your budget with any up front
expenditures.  All you have to do is get your members, staff, and volunteers to log on to our KohlQuest
ArtSpeak web site and order posters!  We do all the rest. It's as simple as that! 

Select this plan and KohlQuest ArtSpeak will give your organization an ID number.  Anyone ordering for your
organization enters this ID number in the designated field on our order form.  You receive monthly reports
detailing every sale credited to your organization, along with a KohlQuest check for all poster sales
recorded for that month. 

Every poster order earns your organization $3.00.  That's $3.00 just for getting one person to come to
http://www.KQartspeak.com and buy a poster! 

Think about how much money you can raise if you get all your staff, members, and volunteers to buy
posters. 

Now, just imagine how much money you could raise if all those folks gave your organization ID number to
their friends, family members, relatives, and neighbors ... and got all those people raising money for your
organization by purchasing posters at the KQ ArtSpeak web site. 

Raising money for your organization has never been easier. 
____________________________________ 

That's it ... KohlQuest ArtSpeak's Three Purchase Options. 

Earn $3.00 ... or $6.00 ... or $9.00 on every poster sold. 
The more involved you get, the higher the return on your investment. 

We are excited about working with your organization to create a fundraiser that will be a dazzling success. If
you don't belong to a organization dedicated to fighting abuse and violence, copy this information and send it to someone who does belong to such an group. 

Or tell them to contact us directly at 828 - 288 - 0730. 

When you collaborate with KohlQuest ArtSpeak on a New Beginning fundraising event, you will become
one of our celebrated Partners Against Abuse and Violence.  It is our privilege to display your name on our
web site. If your organization has a web presence, that listing will be a live link to your organization's home
page. 

Have questions?  Need help planning a New Beginning fundraising campaign? 

Call us at 828 - 288 - 0730 or send us an email at: support@KQartspeak.com. 

We always have time to speak with a kindred spirit ... because that's how we feel about anyone who is
dedicating his or her life to building a more compassionate coexistence among human beings so those
chilling statistics on abuse and violence are abolished forever. 

Visit us at http://www.KQartspeak.com and learn more about this amazing poster. 

All of us at KohlQuest and KohlQuest ArtSpeak salute and thank you! 

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A NASTY, SUBTLE SIDE OF ABUSE REVEALED

Since we are focused on abuse, which do you think is worse -- emotional or verbal abuse?  One of XYZ's
popular contributing writers, Dr. Debby Schwarz Hirschorn, marriage and family therapist and licensed
mental health counselor in the State of Florida, reveals a little known side of abuse in the following article: 

Let's get clear first on what each one is. I discussed what verbal abuse is and why it is so destructive in an
earlier eXpress Yourself newZletter article [http://www.kohlquest.com/xyz2003no1.html]. But what's
emotional abuse? 

Here's the really important part of that answer: 
All abuse is emotional abuse. 
All abuse. Even physical abuse. 

Do you know who Lenore Walker is? A very important lady in the understanding of abuse. She developed
the concept, over 25 years ago, called "The Battered Wife Syndrome." Her idea was that if a woman is
battered enough -- physically -- a point comes where she is so afraid for her life she will kill her abuser just
to stay safe. 

Lenore Walker answered the question that anyone would ask -- Well, why didn't that victim just leave? The
answer was because, statistically, the moment of leaving and two years after leaving is the most
dangerous time for a victim of violence. Furthermore, in nearly all cases, batterers hold on to the money and
it is nearly impossible to flee without gas in the car. These batterers are clever and know how to keep tight
control. 

But here's the most important point regarding emotional abuse: what Lenore Walker and scores of other
researchers found is that the emotional part of the violence is more painful than the physical. Do you
understand that? For example, suppose someone was in a car accident and got injured. That would hurt
physically, but not mentally. Well, yes, there is a mental component too, all the thoughts that go through your
head like, "If I had just not driven when I was tired." Or, "Why did this have to happen?" 

Yes, there is always a mental component to the problems of life. But there is no sense in those examples
of being betrayed. Because the worst part of the physical injury in violence is that someone who is
supposed to love me was trying to hurt me. That is a severe betrayal. 

And researcher after researcher, including me, found the same thing: the very fact that someone who is
supposed to love you is hurting you causes the emotional pain, and that emotional pain is more painful
than the physical pain. 

Now, what happens when the pain is "only" verbal? Well, verbal abuse has two components: the attack on
the Self, which is verbal, and, again, the fact that someone who is supposed to love you is doing the
attacking. In a way, it is worse than the physical attack because, once again, there is that element of
betrayal. The fact that someone who is supposed to be there for you, once was there for you and has now
turned against you, is the most difficult part to take. 

In addition, there is the problem of what the verbal abuse actually is. 
It is one way or another of undermining the person. 
It creates self doubt after a while. 

My own review of the research literature showed: "Researchers find elevated measures of anxiety,
depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, bipolar disorder, and suicide
ideation compared to the general population." (Carlson & McNutt, 1998; Gelles & Straus, 1990; Roberts &
Burman, 1998). 

Valentine et al. (1998) define trauma as continuous exposure to high levels of stress which eventually
"challenge[s] basic assumptions such as justice, fairness, safety, and predictability." The continued
presence of such stressors is capable of permanently changing the body’s neurochemistry, resulting in the
symptoms listed above (p. 40)." 

And even when, miraculously, the victim doesn't believe the verbal attacks, even when the individual knows
his or her own worth and is not persuaded that the abuse is true, it creates a need to be defensive, on
guard for self protection. Very often, that leads to the victim becoming an attacker, for self protection, just as
Walker found on a physical level in The Battered Women's Syndrome. 

So the abuser has turned his/her victim into a replica of himself/herself. On a spiritual level, the abuser has
now lowered the victim in her/his own eyes, made that person into someone she did not want to be,
someone not on a higher plane, but a lower one. So, again, the abuser won: the victim must stoop to the
level of the abuser just to get her/his head above water, just to stay alive mentally, just to not be beaten up
with words. 

So, all of this is emotional abuse. It is emotional abuse because the process itself injures the emotions,
tests the emotions, takes the sunshine out of a beautiful day. Even when the victim does not "buy" into the
meaning of the words uttered, the process itself injures: 

(1) It is, after all, an attack, and an attack is hurtful. 

(2) It causes a defensive posture, which is an unpleasant place to be [and not only unpleasant, but has
shown to have medical ramifications. In my own research, I stated, "In an extensive literature review,
Carlson and McNutt (1998) find again and again that abused women have more internal medicine,
gastroenterological, gynecological and other health complaints than non-victims. In fact, some of their
research shows such medical complaints to be more frequent than bruises." 

(3) It can lead to offensive measures which are inconsistent with the personality of the victim and force the
victim to be the type of person she/he would rather not be. 

If this were not enough, not only is all physical abuse emotional and not only is all verbal abuse emotional,
but emotional abuse can also be NON-VERBAL as well. It is quite possible to attack or hurt without being
obvious. 

Here is a list of non-verbal, non-violent examples of emotional abuse: 

• controlling the checkbook which undermines independence and movement; 
• asking, innocently (of course), where one will be at each moment, so that the individual begins to suffocate with that level of Big Brother monitoring; 
• constantly offering "help" which eventually undermines the victim's self-confidence, with the end result of gaining more and more control over that victim; 
• finding things "wrong" (nicely, of course) with the victim's family or friends, so that the victim feels it is easier to just stay away from them, with the end result of isolating her/him; 
• not connecting, not being able to have a normal conversation, perhaps being glued to the TV, or being physically absent all the time, with the result that the victim begins to feel unbearably lonely and abandoned;
• cheating is emotional abuse; it conveys a message of "you aren't good enough for me." 

Destroying the soul of another person is the worst thing you can do in this life. 

Article dated February 27, 2004 by author Dr. Debby Schwarz Hirschorn. Reprinted by permission. For more information on this timely subject, visit Dr. Hirschhorn's web site at: http://www.abuse-recovery-and-marriage-counseling.com 

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TRY THIS COLOR TEST …  AND DON'T FORGET THE SUNGLASSES 

We had a lot of fun with this challenge.  Give it a try.  See how well you do with this little hand-to-eye
exercise! 

http://www.njagyouth.org/colortest.swf 

Then, grab your sunglasses and move on to this little conundrum: 

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now, if you were a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how would you express yourself? 

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer... 
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You would just open your mouth and ask for a pair sunglasses. 
If you got this wrong - do not pass go, do not collect $200 … just dig a hole and sit in it! 

Thanks to Jo-Ann Close for this sunglasses stumper!! 

This concludes the second 2004 edition of the eXpress Yourself newZletter.  Before I close, let me remind you about our web site addresses and invite you to visit them often:

Circle of Stones: A Gathering of Women
http://www.kohlquest.com/circle.html

The Search for Stone Woman
http://www.kohlquest.com/stonewomanppt.html

KohlQuest ArtSpeak:
http://www.KQartspeak.com

Hole in the Garden Wall book: 
http://www.holeinthegardenwall.com

XYZ Newsletter subscriptions:
http://www.holeinthegardenwall.com/newsletter.html

XYZ Newsletter Archives:
http://www.kohlquest.com/xyzarchives.html

Thanks for sharing these moments with me. 
Make this day a great one, full of the blessings you desire and deserve.

Prudence Kohl

KohlQuest Associates
3271 Polk County Line Road
Rutherfordton, NC 28139
plkohl@kohlquest.com

PLEASE NOTE:  KohlQuest does not rent or sell lists of e-mail addresses. We honor and respect the privacy of each and every one of our subscribers.

The eXpress Yourself newZletter is copyrighted © 2004 by KohlQuest.  All rights reserved. This document may not be copied in part or full without express written permission from the publisher.

To subscribe to our eXpress Yourself newZletter, go to:
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Or send an e-mail to: plkohl@kohlquest.com
"Subscribe" as the Subject.

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Type SUBSCRIPTION ABUSE in the subject field.