ANSWERS TO LATERAL THINKING PUZZLES
--- How well did you do in solving those
word challenges?
THE NEW WORLD ACCORDING TO HOMELAND SECURITY
--- And you thought ordering a pizza was
a simple task!
GOD BLESS THE DOGS, EVERY ONE!
--- A few ideas from our canine friends
that can definitely improve human relationships
LOOK AT THE VIEW, YOUNG LADY. LOOK AT THE
VIEW.
--- Heartfelt, inspiring words to live
by from novelist Anna Quindlen
CHRISTMAS WITH LOUISE
--- How one inflatable doll turned one
holiday dinner into an unforgettable
Christmas memory
GIVING YOUR INTUITION A WORTHY CHALLENGE
--- Learning to believe the meaning right
before your eyes
CLOWNS AND CACTUS
--- One teacher's best intentions gone
hilariously amuck!
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All of us at KohlQuest and the eXpress Yourself
newZletter wish you a joyous, healthy and peaceful New Year 2005!
In keeping with the holiday tradition of sharing,
we are proud to present Volume 5 2005 of your eXpress Yourself newZletter
-- the end of the year, Best of the Best edition. As our gift to you, our
very special subscribers, we have compiled some of the best messages sent
to us by our readers, and tied them all together in one beautiful package
-- your holiday XYZ edition. Some of the following selections may be familiar
to you ... some may be your favorites. If you have heard them before, you
know they bear repeating, particularly at this time of year.
May these words touch you in a special way and
add their beauty, humor, and blessings to you in the new year!
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2005!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ANSWERS TO LATERAL THINKING PUZZLES
In your last XYZ edition, you had the opportunity
to test your ability to think "out of the box" -- freeing your mind of
preconceptions and approaching problems in an unconventional way -- with
a few word brain teasers. Here they are, in case your memory needs
to be refreshed:
What word, expression, or name is depicted below?
T RN
Here's another:
timing
tim ing
And a third:
VAD ERS
Finally:
NE14
10S?
How well did you do?
Check below for the answers:
1. No U turn
2. Split second timing
3. Space invaders
4. Anyone for tennis?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE NEW WORLD ACCORDING TO HOMELAND SECURITY
Well, now that the voting public has gifted George
W. Bush with another four years in office, Americans might turn their attention
to some of the sobering realities of the gargantuan bureaucratic nightmare
called Homeland Security. In the following, sent to us by Rose Bevington,
we get a glimpse at what ordering a pizza might be like in the year 2010.
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May
I have your national ID number?"
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."
Operator: "I must have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold
on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live
at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your
office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302
and your cell number is 266-2566. Email address is sheehan@home.net.
Which number are you calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all
this information?"
Operator: "We're wired into the HSS, sir."
Customer: "The HSS, what is that?"
Operator: "We're wired into the Homeland Security
System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time"
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order
a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas."
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records and commode
sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely
high cholesterol. Your National Health care provider won't allow such an
unhealthy choice."
Customer: "What?!?! What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza.
I'm sure you'll like it."
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something
like that?"
Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean
Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the
suggestion."
Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two
family-sized ones, then."
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your
wife and your four kids, and your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your
total is $49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll
have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit."
Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some
cash before your driver gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking
account's overdrawn also."
Customer: "Never mind! Just send the pizzas.
I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir.
It'll be about 45 minutes. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick
'em up while you're out getting the cash, but, of course, carrying pizzas
on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."
Customer: "Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your
car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you
just filled the tank yesterday."
Customer: Well I'll be a "@#%/$@&?#!"
Operator: "I'd advise watching your language,
sir. You've already got a July 4, 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop
and another one I see here on September for contempt at your hearing for
cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90
day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since
your return to society? "
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2
liter of Coke".
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary
clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution
prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GOD BLESS THE DOGS, EVERY ONE!
Dogs can teach us many things about more compassionate,
dynamic human relationships -- if we are wise enough to emulate their behavior.
Here are just a few suggestions identified by some folks you may recognize.
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he
wags his tail instead of his tongue. ---Anonymous
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive
evidence that you are wonderful. ---Ann Landers
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die
I want to go where they went. ---Will Rogers
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy
licking your face. ---Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you
more than he loves himself. ---Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average
person. ---Andy Rooney
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare
and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the
best deal man has ever made. ---M. Acklam
Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies,
quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to
mix love and hate. ---Sigmund Freud
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members
of a weird religious cult. ---Rita Rudner
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and
to turn around three
times before lying down. ---Robert Benchley
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like
never washed a dog. ---Franklin P. Jones
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is
that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
---James Thurber
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough
exercise. ---Unknown
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us?
I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul
-- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters
on earth! ---Anne Tyler
Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. ---Dave
Miliman
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous,
he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and
a man. ---Mark Twain
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the
dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've
thought of that!' --- Dave Barry
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three
dog biscuits in your
pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.
---Phil Pastoret
Sent to us by Bruce Clapper
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LOOK AT THE VIEW, YOUNG LADY. LOOK AT
THE VIEW.
Below are excerpts from Anna Quindlen's address
to students at Villanova. It contains some powerful words to live
by, for all of us who need to remember to embrace, once again, those things
that truly matter in the short time we have on this earth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have no specialized field of interest or expertise,
which puts me at a disadvantage, talking to you today. I'm a novelist.
My work is human nature. Real life is all I know.
Don't ever confuse the two, your life and your
work. The second is only part of the first. No man ever said on his deathbed
"I wish I had spent more time in the office." Don't ever forget the words
my father sent me on a postcard last year: "If you win the rat race, you're
still a rat." Or what John Lennon wrote before he was gunned down in the
driveway of the Dakota: "Life is what happens while you are busy making
other plans."
You walk out of this college with only one thing
that no one else has. There will be hundreds of people out there with your
same degree; there will be thousands of people doing what you want to do
for a living. But you will be the only person alive who has sole custody
of your life. Your particular life. Your entire life. Not just your life
at a desk, or your life on a bus, or in a car, or at the computer. Not
just the life of your mind, but the life of your heart. Not just your bank
account, but your soul.
People don't talk about the soul very much anymore.
It's so much easier to write a résumé than to craft a spirit.
But a résumé is a cold comfort on a winter night, or when
you're sad, or broke, or lonely, or when you've gotten back the test results
and they're not so good.
Here is my résumé. I am a good mother
to three children. I have tried never to let my profession stand in the
way of being a good parent. I no longer consider myself the center of the
universe. I show up. I listen. I try to laugh.
I am a good friend to my husband. I have tried
to make marriage vows mean what they say. I am a good friend to my friends,
and they to me. Without them, there would be nothing to say to you today,
because I would be a cardboard cutout. But I call them on the phone and
I meet them for lunch. I show up. I listen. I try to laugh.
So here's what I wanted to tell you today: get
a life. A real life, not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, the bigger
paycheck, the larger house. Do you think you'd care so very much about
those things if you blew an aneurysm one afternoon, or found a lump in
your breast?
Get a life in which you notice the smell of salt
water pushing itself on a breeze over Seaside Heights, a life in which
you stop and watch how a red tailed hawk circles over the water gap or
the way a baby scowls with concentration when she tries to pick up a Cheerio
with her thumb and first finger.
Get a life in which you are not alone. Find people
you love, and who love you. And remember that love is not leisure, it is
work. Each time you look at your diploma, remember that you are still a
student, still learning how to best treasure your connection to others.
Pick up the phone. Send an e-mail. Write a letter. Kiss your Mom. Hug your
Dad.
Get a life in which you are generous. Look around
at the azaleas in the neighborhood where you grew up; look at a full moon
hanging silver in a black, black sky on a cold night. And realize that
life is the best thing ever, and that you have no business taking it for
granted.
It is so easy to waste our lives: our days, our
hours, our minutes. It is so easy to take for granted the color of the
azaleas, the sheen of the limestone on Fifth Avenue, the color of our kids'
eyes, the way the melody in a symphony rises and falls and disappears and
rises again.
It is so easy to exist instead of live. I learned
to live many years ago. Something really, really bad happened to me, something
that changed my life in ways that, if I had my druthers, it would never
have been changed at all.
And what I learned from it is what, today, seems
to be the hardest lesson of all. I learned to love the journey, not the
destination. I learned that life is not a dress rehearsal, and that today
is the only guarantee you get. I learned to look at all the good in the
world and try to give some of it back.
Just keep your eyes and your ears open, the classroom
is everywhere. The exam comes at the very end.
I found one of my best teachers on the boardwalk
at Coney Island maybe five years ago. It was December and I was doing a
story about how the homeless survive in the winter months. He and I sat
on the edge of the wooden supports, dangling our feet over the side, and
he told me about his schedule, panhandling the boulevard when the summer
crowds were gone, sleeping in a church when the temperature went
below freezing, hiding from the policemen amidst the Tilt-a Whirl and the
Cyclone and some of the other seasonal rides.
But he told me most of the time he stayed on the
boardwalk, facing the water, just the way we were sitting now, even when
it got cold and he had to wear his newspapers after he read them. And I
asked him why. Why didn't he go to one of the shelters? Why didn't he check
himself into the hospital for detox? And he just stared out at the ocean
and said, "Look at the view, young lady, look at the view."
And that's the last thing I have to tell you today,
words of wisdom from a man with not a dime in his pocket, no place to go,
nowhere to be.
Look at the view. You'll never be disappointed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CHRISTMAS WITH LOUISE
This is an article submitted to a Louisville Sentinel
contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first
prize.
We thank Jo-Ann Close for sending it to our attention.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty
hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was
for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking
the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's
kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true.
I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll.
They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult
bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.
You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, What
does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute
as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush
hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many
different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box,
could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled
for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle
pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let
me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone,
I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom.
I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a
nearby tray. I went home and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that
Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him
VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk
away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise
should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire
her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother
noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?"
she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll".
"Who would play with something like that?", Granny
snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay
said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless.
"Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I?
It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance
saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!" My grandfather, a delightful old man
with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal
by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later
I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but
actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's
last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small
talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed,
when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the
morning. Then she lurched from the pantyhose, flew around the room
twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed.
I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room,
fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down
her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed
a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough
examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered
Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately,
thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GIVING YOUR INTUITION A WORTHY CHALLENGE
The following word puzzles show that meaning is
often in front of us waiting to be harvested. Sometimes we need only believe
it is there.
According to the words of Gavin de Becker in,
The
Gift of Fear, these puzzles show something else too, something about
the differences between intuition and conscious prediction. If the solution
to one of these puzzles does not come right away, then it is a matter of
letting the answer surface in you, because stare though you may, there
is no additional information forthcoming form the puzzle itself. If you
solve one, the answer was available in you somewhere … Intuition is just
listening. Prediction is more like trying to solve the puzzles with logic.
You may have greater confidence in conscious predictions because you can
show yourself the methodology you used, but that doesn't necessarily increase
their accuracy.
The following paragraph contains the names of
14 famous people. See if you can name all 14.
Flemeing --- r o b e r t do --- Bward
--- CCR --- L-john john john john john john john john john john john ---
GGS --- stosharne --- :powell --- cokevstner --- MichL fir fir fir fir
fir --- hawstevking --- bjacksrowne --- steV1de --- dgeLnrs.
If you get all tangled up between your intuition
and logic, try your hand at this delightful diversion. Just click
on the link below, or copy the address and paste it into your browser's
location window, then click ENTER.
http://digicc.com/fido/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OF CLOWNS AND CACTUS
I sincerely hope you have an Internet connection
so you can thoroughly enjoy this delightful true story. Read the
paragraph of what happened below, then scroll down the page to enjoy the
revealing photograph.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't you just love it when a teacher's good intentions
go amuck.
An elementary school class started a class project
to make a planter to take home to their parents. Their teacher wanted
a plant that would be easy to take care of, so she decided to use cactus
plants.
The students were given greenware pottery planters
in the shape of a clown which they painted with glaze. The clown
planters were professionally fired at a class outing so they could see
the process. It was great fun. They planted cactus seeds in the finished
planters and they grew nicely. Unfortunately, the children were not allowed
to take them home -- the cactus plants were removed and small ivy plants
replaced them. The children were then permitted to take their planters
home. The teacher said cactus seemed like a good idea at the time!
SCROLL DOWN!
Sent to us by Diane Badger who
just might be a teacher!
___________________________________________
This concludes the holiday edition 2004 of the
eXpress Yourself newZletter. Before I close, let me remind you about
our web site addresses and invite you to visit them often:
Thanks for sharing these moments with me.
Make this day a great one, full of the blessings you desire and deserve.
And, once again, HAPPY NEW YEAR 2005!
Prudence Kohl
KohlQuest Associates
3271 Polk County Line Road
Rutherfordton, NC 28139
plkohl@kohlquest.com
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